Worst Week In A Long, Long Time...

Last time I did say that I wouldn't write about myself now, but I did change my mind. So this week has been so depressing for me. Usually when things has been depressing for me, it have meant that my relationships and so on has go wrong. But now it's not that. Now it's other important things that would help me with my future. So let's start then...

First things first, I didn't get a job from Belfast. And I really did want that place. Everything did go smoothly, even my interviewer said to me that "you did great and you are my first pick". I was the ideal candidate, but surprise!!! In the end I didn't get the job. It hurts and badly. It was something that really wanted, I was so excited and now I'm down...

Second thing would be that yet again my thesis subject wasn't good enough for my teachers, without any valid reasons. So now I have start all over again with my thesis. And that will take time. Now it really looks like that cannot graduate even in spring. This sucks so much.

Then also I have already let my one friend down few times now, because my big mouth. I said too early that I might get a job from Belfast and she could get my flat from here when I would leave. And she really need new place and fast, so she was at both times so excited and happy about it. Now I did not get the job and she cannot get the flat. I did let her down and I hate it. Sometimes I am just too excited about things and I cannot keep my mouth shut. So people get hurt, now that happened...

Also I cannot get rid off from one very annoying girl. She is really harassing me with her text-messaging and she's trying to come same places than me. I have said to her that I'm not interested and leave me alone, but she's not even hearing those... Just keep trying harder and harder. I just cannot understand her. She has boyfriend and all. She should keep harassing him, not me... But on the other side, now I know how few my friends feel about me. With them, I have been too pushy and haven't realize that I'm for them annoying or the past. Why I couldn't see so oblivious things? I don't know, but now I know and I will give the ball for them. They know where I stand, so now they have to show me their stand. And I will accept their decision.

Now I really feel that I would need that partner who would hold me and said that everything will be alright. But unfortunately I don't have anyone, I have to survive by my own. Emotional guy in Finland... Not good at all, because in here guys cannot show any emotions or weaknesses... What a "nice" place we have here...

So all my plans has gone wrong and now I need to start from scratch. So next week will be a busy time for me. But now it really seems that I have to live this winter in Finland. If I survive this, I will survive anything. Fortunately I'm not alone... And in the end, I'm OK.

Let's close this post with a joke... Finnish guy was send to hell. While the devil was planning nice torture plan for the guy, the devil asked from the guy "Where are you from?". Guy answered "From Finland". Then the devil looked the guy in disbelieve and said "My God!!! Immediately take these three hot chicks and live like a king. You have suffered enough!"

What Has Happened On Last 2 1/2 Months...

So what has happen to me on these last months? Well, like I already said nothing much, but still something important and not so important. In general more good things that bad things. Lots of annoying things. So let's start shall we...

First of all I haven't found my internship place yet. I probably have send more that hundred(!!!) applications, but no luck for me. Of course one of the reasons is this economical climate. There really isn't much open places left in the IT field and also when there is, all the successful applicants are highly educated and have lots of work experience. And with my CV I cannot compete with them at all. It's a shame really, because 1 1/2 years ago, finding a place would being like walk in the park. Then there was lots of openings, but now the reality is that there is nothing for me. All this means that I will graduate much later that I was imagine. If I am very, very lucky I can get my degree in late May 2010. But that is not going to happen, unfortunately. But it looks that I can start to do my thesis on next week!!! So finally I will have something else to do than working my grip...

Second thing would be that, I have been hanging a lot with my friends. Well, with those few who I still have here. It has been very nice indeed. It also has meant that I have been hanging in the bars and nightclubs more often I should have. Like you probably already know that I'm not keen to visit nightclubs, but well it can and have been pretty fun sometimes. I have slipped and had a fairly good amount of sleepovers because of that. But those have left me feeling pretty OK about myself. Thank god for that, because I was very worried that I would start downward spiraling again because of that. But never happened.

It actually has been funny to noticed now when my self-confidence is very, very high. It haven't been high in ages. And I also have been working out in five times per week, which means that, finally my body starts to looks good as well (but still there is a lot of work to be done). That girls really dig me. I haven't ever been this popular with the ladies. And I have to say it feels good. Nowadays girls are also coming to hit on me and I can see and feel that they really like me (well, my looks anyway...). It is very nice feeling to have, feel to be wanted. Unfortunately, even more of girls and guys thinks that I'm gay. Well, usually in Finland people think that you are gay if you like to dress up well. So it's not a problem... And actually it's a great chat opener with girls and in the end they have noticed that I'm not gay...

The third thing is, like I already said, that I have been working out a lot and it have started to show. Which is very nice to know... Because I remember when I started about 2 1/2 years, 22 kilos and 6 sizes ago that I want my body to look good and well. Finally I am starting to be near. It feels good and gives me a lot of energy to see this through. I still have some fat left, but it doesn't show that much anymore. Maybe in the year I will get these last few kilos of fat off and finally I would have that six-pack too. I'm not try to get all the fat off, but most of it. I have been working out 3 1/2 hours per day and 5 times per week. These include running exercise, weight training and finally stretching. So I am in pretty fine shape at the moment and I try to keep up with this training schedule. If and when I get my internship place, I was planning to do only 4 day per week schedule, with 2 hour training per day. I think that's enough then... But in the end, I will get my fat off sooner or later... And get some muscle too...

I think here I told almost everything what I have been doing these last 2 1/2 months. So there was almost nothing to tell. Usually I had a boring days with maybe 5 hours of some kind of action, all the rest have gone either for sleep or working my grip, which by the way is starting to be really firm.

I am still very happy, even when I have realized a few things that haven't been so nice. Like I feel like I have started to drift apart from my family and from my few good friends. But actually I don't see that drifting apart from the family is necessary a bad thing, I am already 24 years old and I have my own life. We never have been very close anyway. I think that it's just one final necessary step what I need to take to really start my own life. Unfortunately my mother haven't yet understand it and probably never will. But the problem is more hers than mine.

Also my crush has come and gone and there is no new one in the horizon. Which is a shame. Because what I really miss and need is to have somebody to love. I want to give my love and affection to somebody. And it's more like a need for me. And also it would be finally nice to receive those ones too. It's a good thing that I finally understand that I cannot get that off the one-night-stands. That's probably why actually can do those again without losing it. But I really feel like I need to start somewhere else from the clean table, maybe then I would find somebody by coincidence and have some peace in my life. Like they say, patience is a virtue and I have it. Someday I will find what I'm looking for and so will she.

I finally get it, why I'm writing so personal blog. Many thinks that this is so stupid and it probably is. But it makes me happy and helps me get my thoughts in order. I now see how liberating this is for me. I did come down a bit in these 2 1/2 months, but now I started to write my thoughts again to my blog and I feel fine and happier. This seems to be channel to tell things that I really want to tell for people, but when I am in face-to-face conversation with a person, I cannot say these. But here I can and it's just so liberating for me. I am very private person, even if it doesn't seem that way right now. But I am also honest and I have seen that this helps me, so I would be stupid not to do this. I will do everything that helps me to keep happy, it really is worth it. And anyway there is only a few people reading this blog... hehe...

I think this is the end of this post. Now I will start again to keep pace with my posts. I was thinking about 2 to 4 post per week... I hope you can handle it! And next few posts will not be about me, but about my opinions of different sensitive topics. Like you all know, I have some harsh opinions to tell!!!

Friends... Close Friends... Or Not?

I have pretty good amount of friends around a globe, but I have noticed that I have only a few close friends who really enjoy my company and really want to interact with me. Noticing something like this really a bummer. It actually hurts. Then I start thinking that why? It must be me, I cannot blame anyone else for this. And still I haven't fully figured this out, but I have a few things on my mind...

The first would be that I did push people away when I was depressed. Interact with me then was not easy, because I never showed "real me" for them and I was like a brick, no emotions at all. And my shyness coming along with my trust issues... Can I blame anyone for that? No I cannot...

The second would be that I am actually pretty boring person and there hardly is any excitement moments with me. And of course, people try to find friends that are not so boring...

The third thing would be my jokes and my opinions. Both are usually pretty offensive and harsh for many. And I have no ability to debate, so I don't do it, because if I would start debate with somebody of my opinions that somebody would get hurt someway or another. I am very aggressive and bad debater and I know it, so I don't want to debate. But sometimes I have to and people get hurt. But I always say that I don't want to, but sometimes people don't listen... I usually respect others opinions, but some just do not understand that you cannot convert me. And I should understand that sometimes I cannot convert others either... And about my jokes, sometimes they are funny and sometimes they aren't. People should understand that jokes are just jokes... Nothing more...

And the fourth thing would be my over-pushing nature. I might be a bit too enthusiastic and too pushy for some people. Because I actually care and want to bond with people. And sometimes (read, almost always) go overboard with that. So for some that can be even offensive. But also I should understand that enough is enough... But sometimes it's just too hard for me to understand...

So how I did noticed my lack of close friends? Actually I have known it a long time now, but I really did think things would change when I changed... But it didn't... And also I did noticed that a few who I did think to be my close friends, wasn't really that close. I wanted them to be and I close my eyes from the reality.... Some I did mess up by myself, some I don't know. But truth is that it hurts and noticing these so late is my fault... nobody else's...

I have been called irritating, stupid, close-minded, afraid to try new things and so on. I think I'm not, but truth can differ... I really don't know anymore... But when I look how many of my friends actually contact me and not the other way... Truth unfolds and it ain't pretty. When there is only really an handful of people, you just have to look at the mirror... And also it's almost impossible to repair what is already broken. Now I can see that too...

I have over 80 friends on Facebook. And over 50 of them, I don't know them and I'm pretty sure that they don't know me either. So I have been thinking to delete them and I now I have decided to do that. I don't want to participate on the popularity contest. I cannot see the point.

But overall I'm happy that I have even these very few close friends in my life, and I'm a very, very grateful for them. They keep me loving myself... And things could be so much worse too... Somehow I also feel like a lucky one...

But the real conclusion is that I need to start again in some new place. I need the clean table where I can build my life without the ghosts from my past... Because now they are always there and I cannot get rid of them, not in here. I have start over already two times... Both failed, because I wasn't ready, but now I am and let's just hope that third time will be a charm...

It's hard to keep yourself happy and not depressed when you realize these kinda things, but somehow I have kept myself happy... Thank god for that...

Lyrics Of The Day : Jesu - End Of The Road

These scars don't heal
I don't mind
There's a path somewhere
I can't find
Losing again
I don't mind
I'll be at peace
Still inside

These scars don't heal
I don't mind
There's a path somewhere
I can't find
Losing again
I don't mind
I'll be at peace
Still inside

Well, lyrics say all what I have on my mind. It's a very beautiful song, everyone should listen it. It's a somewhat comforting song if you are feeling down...

Things Aren't Going Like I Planned...

It has been a long time since my last post, but things didn't really go like I planned. Did I lose? Looks like it. Well, things could be worse, I think....

I still haven't got my internship place, that sucks but patience is a virtue. And this means that I will graduate earliest in late April 2010. That's not good at all, because it means that I will start my Masters Degree in September 2011. So the gap is about 1 1/2 years. What I will do with this time? Nobody will give me a job, because my degree sucks and I don't have any money to travel either... I just can hope that somebody will give me a crappy job, because I will need the money...

And yes, I will go and do Masters Degree if I get in and that will be hard, but there is always hope. I have a few options and they look good. First one is Maastricht University in Netherlands (Yes, back to the Netherlands). I am very interested to read more about International Business and they have one of the best European Business Departments, so wish me luck. The second one is Google's Online Media Associate Programme in Dublin, Ireland. Seems nice and probably it will be very hard to get in. But trying to get in isn't killing anyone...

But first I need to get my Bachelors Degree and for that I need my internship place and also I need to do my Thesis, just waiting that my school will approve my topic. I really hope they will, because if they won't, then I'm really screwed...

So what has happen in last few months? Nothing important for my future. Some little thing has happen what have had an effect to my personal life and for my mental health, hehe... It's not that easy to keep being happy and not depressed than I imagined, life isn't easy. But still overall I'm happy and I'm not depressed. That really is a main thing for me. But about this I will write more in my next post, which will be here very soon...

Back In Finland

Now I have been back in Finland about five days. And it's a weird feeling, everything is still the same. Only I have changed. I did start to work immediately with a few new projects, just trying to keep myself busy. Because next three weeks will tell a lot about my future. These are interesting times for me. If everything goes well I will get my degree in early February. And finally, I can start earning some money...

Finland didn't bring me down. I'm still same happy person from my trip. It's good, because usually Finland was the place that did bring me down always a bit more. I cannot see that happening anymore. This place isn't for me, but it could be also much worse. Finally, I can see that too...

I really cannot say what will happen next, because there is so many different options that can come true. But almost any option would be exciting for me. Let's wait and see. But really I can only win here, so I'm relaxed. Good things come to you when you are patient.

So everything is good. Now I just have to wait and do some working-out... Today I did start again and god how good it feels. Makes me even more happier... hehe...

My Trip In Whole

So my trip did last about 7 weeks. So much did happen at that time. This trip did give me so much. New friends, meeting and bonding with old friends, peace of mind, lovely landscapes, knowledge, etc... This was really something that I needed to do and it was even bigger success than I ever could have dreamed. This trip did made whole.

So back to the beginning... Then I was starting my trip, I wasn't even very excited. Nothing was exciting, days were the same than in Finland, boring and meaningless... When you are low, you cannot enjoy life. That was the case with me... Utrecht, Geneva, Paris & Amsterdam. All was the same, I was happy to see my friends in Utrecht, but that was about it. Everything else was just useless, all the same, pointless. And in Paris it did happen, I did start downward spiraling even harder and finally I was so low that, only way was up. Finally, at 11.7. it happened, realizing everything... After that I did have only fun. I did get happy. I'm OK with myself and almost with everything else... Finally free to enjoy my life and trip. And boy, I did do that. Dour, Bratislava, Svatoborice, Vienna, Linz, Istanbul, Luton, London, Bedford and even Cambridge (because of the gardens). So happy times in my life. Czech Republic, England and Istanbul was the highest points on my trip. These times were perfect.

In Czech Republic bonding with my friend, meeting her family and friends... All the people were so nice and helpful. Me and my friend did connect so well. She is now one of my closest friends. Somebody who I can really trust. Czech Republic was THE place on my trip. It is only place where I have felt that I belong. Landscapes, people and community. All did connect. I have only good to tell about Czech Republic. If you have chance to visit the country, please do. You wont regret it. Also I did noticed a few things in Czech Republic. There was loads pregnant women and a little children. It was very nice to see that. I really didn't see those anywhere else in those quantities. Second thing was that, there isn't any immigration there. Only people from other eastern European countries and they work there. This was also so nice to see. There were none of these problems that we have here in western Europe. It was also really nice to see...

And then the England. I have to be honest here. I don't really like the country that much, but here the people came in the picture. I did just really meet the right persons there. It's so simple. I haven't never met so many nice people on so short time. Very special people. That's why England also will have very special place in my heart. I have been so lucky because I have met these lovely people in England. I am the lucky one. If I wouldn't met them, I think my trip in England would be very bad experience. But now it was one of the best one! Thanks again guys!!!

Finally, the Istanbul! I did met my friend again and we had a blast! Fantastic times for me. The city is big, hectic and well, hectic. Insane! If I stay there maybe week or two, things are OK. If more, I would go insane. But it was really nice to see Istanbul, it's really different. But yeah, I did have so great time there with my friend. It's really nice to sit and just chat. And sightseeing in Istanbul is must!

So there I did say most important thing from my trip. First two week were bad ones, next five weeks were awesome! It would be interesting to see, how I would feel about those first places now... I just weren't in the mindset then... But now me happy and now I have to see what future holds for me... I have feeling that something very good... But I have to look and see...