Back In Finland

Now I have been back in Finland about five days. And it's a weird feeling, everything is still the same. Only I have changed. I did start to work immediately with a few new projects, just trying to keep myself busy. Because next three weeks will tell a lot about my future. These are interesting times for me. If everything goes well I will get my degree in early February. And finally, I can start earning some money...

Finland didn't bring me down. I'm still same happy person from my trip. It's good, because usually Finland was the place that did bring me down always a bit more. I cannot see that happening anymore. This place isn't for me, but it could be also much worse. Finally, I can see that too...

I really cannot say what will happen next, because there is so many different options that can come true. But almost any option would be exciting for me. Let's wait and see. But really I can only win here, so I'm relaxed. Good things come to you when you are patient.

So everything is good. Now I just have to wait and do some working-out... Today I did start again and god how good it feels. Makes me even more happier... hehe...

My Trip In Whole

So my trip did last about 7 weeks. So much did happen at that time. This trip did give me so much. New friends, meeting and bonding with old friends, peace of mind, lovely landscapes, knowledge, etc... This was really something that I needed to do and it was even bigger success than I ever could have dreamed. This trip did made whole.

So back to the beginning... Then I was starting my trip, I wasn't even very excited. Nothing was exciting, days were the same than in Finland, boring and meaningless... When you are low, you cannot enjoy life. That was the case with me... Utrecht, Geneva, Paris & Amsterdam. All was the same, I was happy to see my friends in Utrecht, but that was about it. Everything else was just useless, all the same, pointless. And in Paris it did happen, I did start downward spiraling even harder and finally I was so low that, only way was up. Finally, at 11.7. it happened, realizing everything... After that I did have only fun. I did get happy. I'm OK with myself and almost with everything else... Finally free to enjoy my life and trip. And boy, I did do that. Dour, Bratislava, Svatoborice, Vienna, Linz, Istanbul, Luton, London, Bedford and even Cambridge (because of the gardens). So happy times in my life. Czech Republic, England and Istanbul was the highest points on my trip. These times were perfect.

In Czech Republic bonding with my friend, meeting her family and friends... All the people were so nice and helpful. Me and my friend did connect so well. She is now one of my closest friends. Somebody who I can really trust. Czech Republic was THE place on my trip. It is only place where I have felt that I belong. Landscapes, people and community. All did connect. I have only good to tell about Czech Republic. If you have chance to visit the country, please do. You wont regret it. Also I did noticed a few things in Czech Republic. There was loads pregnant women and a little children. It was very nice to see that. I really didn't see those anywhere else in those quantities. Second thing was that, there isn't any immigration there. Only people from other eastern European countries and they work there. This was also so nice to see. There were none of these problems that we have here in western Europe. It was also really nice to see...

And then the England. I have to be honest here. I don't really like the country that much, but here the people came in the picture. I did just really meet the right persons there. It's so simple. I haven't never met so many nice people on so short time. Very special people. That's why England also will have very special place in my heart. I have been so lucky because I have met these lovely people in England. I am the lucky one. If I wouldn't met them, I think my trip in England would be very bad experience. But now it was one of the best one! Thanks again guys!!!

Finally, the Istanbul! I did met my friend again and we had a blast! Fantastic times for me. The city is big, hectic and well, hectic. Insane! If I stay there maybe week or two, things are OK. If more, I would go insane. But it was really nice to see Istanbul, it's really different. But yeah, I did have so great time there with my friend. It's really nice to sit and just chat. And sightseeing in Istanbul is must!

So there I did say most important thing from my trip. First two week were bad ones, next five weeks were awesome! It would be interesting to see, how I would feel about those first places now... I just weren't in the mindset then... But now me happy and now I have to see what future holds for me... I have feeling that something very good... But I have to look and see...

About Probabilities & Following Your Heart

Odds are usually against us. The chance to succeed is lower than the chance of failure. We just have to have the believe that we will beat the odds and succeed. This was something that I didn't have when I was depressed and full of self-hatred. So nothing really happened to me. I really didn't do anything that look like it that I could fail at it. I did play safe and it is something so stupid. What you can win, if you play safe? Nothing!!! Finally I have realize this.

I have been always a dreamer. Even when I was depressed. I have very creative mind, it needs to create something all the time. So If my mind don't have anything else to do, it starts to create dreams and my dream future. It also did help me, when I was lowest pits of my life. There was always something to look forward to. My "dreams". But they were only dreams, because I didn't do anything to pursuit them. But now things are different. Now I will pursuit them, even if there looks to be almost no chance to succeed. But there is always a chance! Even if it is only a little one. If you don't play, you cannot win.

Now I'm very driven to succeed on my path. I follow my heart and don't care about the odds. If I fail and look like a fool. Then I do, but nobody cannot tell me that I didn't try! And if I succeed, I will be one of the most happiest guys on the planet. Also then I could show everybody that the odds doesn't mean anything. Only thing that counts is that you follow your heart and do not care about anything else. I can see my path now so clearly, I know what I want, I will pursuit it. I will succeed, I will not quit! I have the patience, determination and will to succeed and get things that makes me happy. Even if it will take years to succeed...

So now you are thinking, what are the things that he's talking about? Well, I did realize too late that I am pretty good at football... But as a player my chances are already long gone, but as a coach? Hahaa!!! That is something I would like to do and I would be good at it. So before I will turn 30, I will have my UEFA Pro coaching licence. I have 6 years before I will turn 30. I will succeed, just watch me. The IT just isn't something that I enjoy to do, but I will do it first about 5 to 10 years, to get money for the licences and traveling. And with relationships, I don't play safe, when I find something special, I will pursuit it, even if it would look hard and odds would be against me. I do not care, I just follow my heart. And finally, I will get my river mill with a vineyard, just watch me...

Now many thinks I'm a fool, idiot and a dreamer. You will not succeed, you will only get hurt... Maybe that will be true, but like I said... But nobody can't say that I didn't try! And did you? That is the real question...

Power Of Words

It's funny how words can really hurt you even more than physical violence. Words can leave your soul scarred and broken, many of the people even cannot fix these damages. It's sad that people don't really realize this. We should think what we say before we open our mouths. I have said so many bad things to people, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally. Nowadays I feel ashamed what I've said in the past to the people. You never should spread the hatred in the world. There is enough of that in here. It's a shame that I've realize this only now... But it's better late than never. Many don't realize this ever. When you say something bad to the person, you only get the person even more down, nobody is immune to the words. People should realize this and fast.

There is also other side in the words. The can also lift you up when you say them from the heart. I have noticed this. And I like to do this. If somebody is good in something, say that to this person. If you see or hear something attractive, say this to other person. For example, if you think somebody of your friends is beautiful or handsome, just say it to this person. Same goes if the person does a good job. You won't lose anything here and this person will feel better when you have say it. You won't lose anything and others will just gain from the words. It's not that hard to say compliments, just open your mouth and say it and then everybody will feel better. Even you.

This has become habit of mine now. I not completely there yet, but I will soon. It's nice to see that you have made somebody happier with a few little words. It makes also you a bit happier. Its nice to see the smile of the person. They will appreciate it, I think even more now than in the past. Our world has become distorted, looks like that only bad things has value now. I don't think so. I really think if people would be more open and would say compliments to each other, world would be a bit better place. People would be happier. Compliments feel good. It's a simple thing isn't it? So we all should try it, I think so. How about you?

Random Things From My Trip

Have to do something, this flight is so long... So let's write a new blog entry! Maybe this time I should write something about my trip. So much has happened... Me getting my head straight, many priceless moments, some new people who has become my new friends... And so on... Lots have happened to me and I wouldn't change anything... So let's start, shall we...

I didn't really like my first weeks on the trip, the Netherlands, Geneva and Paris did go like every other day before that... I did see only bad things, I was very low. It was almost useless, when I know think those times... But it wasn't useless. What happened for me in those places, helped me to get my head straight. So it was very important time for me. I didn't enjoy things then, but there was also some good things happening... Two nine inch nails gigs, 65daysofstatic gig and meeting a few of my good friends. It was a shame for me that I did see that everybody who I did think to be a good friends with me, wasn't that all... But now it's not hurting me anymore.

I don't really have that many good/close friends, but in this matter, quality over quantity is important. And now i see that I'm so lucky to have these friends! Now it's more easier for me have friends, but these friends who did even wanted to be friends with me when I was so low and closed. I will never forget them. Maybe they and me can finally enjoy the company even more. These times are very exiting for me!

But now back to my trip again... so everything changed for me, when I did leave Netherlands, after this I have only enjoyed my trip. And highlights have been, visiting my friends in Czech republic, Istanbul and my visit to England. There I did meet so many good and nice people, I already can call these people my friends! Also i did meet one very dear friend of mine from Utrecht.

Nowadays I look to enjoy the people more... Other things aren't that important for me anymore. Of course the architecture, parks and seeing the countryside is still very important for me. But meeting new people and friends is most important thing for me now. I finally can enjoy the company. It's a great feeling!

So there has happened for weird things in this trip. I was thinking that these kinda things happen only in movies. But looks like reality is even more absurd that fiction.

1. The Italian lady taking me from streets of Geneva like I was gigolo. Hehe, that was funny for me even in that time, and now even more. But she was so nice lady. Glad that I did met her. And I know that she feels the same...

2. The hooker street at center of Geneva. Yes, it was like from Hollywood movie set. Hookers wearing only shiny things and yes, very, very little. But the pimps were the funniest... Wearing their lilac furs, hats, golden teeth and of course canes!!! That was something so funny!!! Now I know why UN likes the place, hehe...

3. Seeing horrible plastic surgery monster at some high fashion shop in vienna. When I did saw her, my contact lens did literally pop off from my right eye!!! No joke, people!!! That did really happen!!! But why people do that?!?!? Please people, embrace yourselves!!! The faults make you beautiful and unique!!!

4. I did and still have my first honest crush since high school. I usually don't have these but now I have... Feels funny... It tickles, hehe...

5. Partying till 10am in Bratislava. Well, it did end a bit too soon, because the noise. The girls neighbors and landlord didn't really like it that much... And in the same morning I did make one old man mad... It was interesting 24h for me...

6. Finding that gays really like me. I feel like gay sex symbol after visiting England and Istanbul... Lots of hitting going on. Well, to be honest, I feel very flattered, but enough attention is enough even for me... Well, I think there was the most weirdest moment yet on my trip. I'm sure that there will be more, I have a few more days left in England. So there will be something happening...

Places that I have liked most are Czech republic and Bratislava. They were something that I really liked. Beautiful places with beautiful and sweet ladies. Czech republics countryside was so beautiful... Everybody should see it. I could see me living there happily ever after... I think that I'm one the lucky ones, because even if I really haven't liked some places so much, still I have met on those places many nice and good people. These people has made my trip so great. There is still some left of my trip, but I'm already planning my next one!!! When you travel, you cannot lose anything. You can only win. That has happen to me.

Me, Myself & I

I have been thinking a lot who am I and how people see me. Now I finally know who I am, but will the others see the same qualities in me than me? This is the tricky question. Now I don't try to be anymore that I think people want me to be, I'm just plain, ordinary me and if people don't like it, well it's their loss then... I have learned so much in this trip of mine, I did finally find myself, I have met many great people, some I think will be a good friends of mine till end of times... And finally I can live my life in my own rules, not rules of others, like I did some long time. Also I'm not living in the past anymore, what has happened, has happened... You cannot change the past, but you can live your life like you want now. I finally are over of my past relationships. I finally see a bright future ahead of me. I see more beautiful and good things in the world than bad and ugly. I'm happy... And I feel free to be myself and don't really care tat much about what others think of me...

So how I see myself then? Which qualities I have? Good and bad ones? Well, let's start then...

Good Qualities:

1. I'm very caring and loving person to my love ones (generally to the people I care). This quality was something that I did feel ashamed about so long time. And now I think, why? It's the best quality of mine. It's the most important one!!! I feel like a fool, because I haven't shown this quality of mine often in the past... But now I cherish it...

2. I'm very polite person. I have been raised that way and it and I like that way. I like to be polite and I like to see other people to be polite too. Unfortunately people nowadays don't really cherish this quality, because our world is so hectic. There is no "time" so mind your own business!!! I hate that. But this is important quality of mine too... And now I'm happy, so its so easy to me...

3. I trust people. Trust is something very important. You can lose a camera because you trust people, but you get so much more in the return, friends and respect.

4. I have loads of patience. I really have patience to see things through. I will not give up. This can be a bit bad quality too, because maybe sometimes I don't know when to give up. But overall it's a good quality.

5. Self-confidence. Now I'm self-confident person. I know that I'm fairly handsome guy. I know that I'm good, caring and loving person (sometimes even funny!!!). And nowadays I actually like myself, it's a new feeling for me and I love it. And now I don't care much what other people are thinking of me. So all of this makes me feel very self-confident. And I think that real self-confidence comes from you loving yourself.

6. I'm a trustworthy person. If people say something to me, I won't go and blabber things around. This is about trust. I have done a few mistakes with this one over the years, unintentionally. And I feel ashamed about those times.

7. I usually think other people first (people I care about). If somebody wants to do something and it would make her/him happy. We will do it. I like to make other people happy. It's more important for me than doing things here in my way. Because usually others woudn't like it.

Neutral Qualities:

1. My strictness and honesty. They are good and bad qualities. I say things that I think, good and bad things. Those can really hurt somebody, and I've seen that happening many times. I don't always know when to say right things, because I try to be honest as possible. So maybe I'm a bit too strict and honest sometimes. I should see things more clearly, when you should say something nicer to person. But I value honesty, I want people t be honest with me, I won't get hurt about it, but many can. I should see this more often.

2. I'm very organized. Usually, a bit too much. Things has to be like I say or want, or I cannot concentrate and relax. This is bad thing for the people who wants to live with me. But this also means I can really get things done, when I start.

3. My humor. It's very rude sometimes and some people don't get the jokes, so it means they will get hurt. I want to get people laugh, not to sad. Usually, some people get it, and some don't, so there is laughing people and sad people. This is a shame, but who will get hurt, they have to remember that I make a lot of humor about myself... So usually, it's me who gets to be the fool...

Bad Qualities:

1. I can see many little things, but many times I cannot see the big, important things, even if they are right on front of me!!! I have just really thoroughly realize this, because I have hurt people badly like this, unintentionally. I should see the obvious also. Seeing the little things aren't enough!!!

2. I like to talk about myself. Well, you have obviously seen this already. But too much is too much... And I'm not talking about my blog. This blog is about me, so of course I talk about me there. But in real life also, too much, me, me & me. It's a bad quality.

3. I say what I believe or think. So people will now where I stand. And I like to talk about it, too much. usually I will notice this a bit too late and then I completely shut down, because I feel ashamed. Trying to learn to notice this thing more earlier... I hope that I will succeed on this one...

4. I like things to go my way. This is bad thing, because many times its like, my way or the highway. I should learn to do some compromising too. But in something I really don't even care. So it depends about the subject. That's a bit weird. This is more work related thing and when I don't know people that well. But with friends its a bit different like I already said.

5. I'm usually a bit boring. Like to be by myself and think things... So not very social person...

So there I said who I am. Do you see the same person? Or different one? Something missing? You can give some feedback when you talk to me...

My Ultimate Birthday Present!!! (And I Love It!!!)

So its my birthday and I'm in England. And I've said lots of bad things of England. Many are true still in my eyes. But I've finally realize that people makes the place. And now in here I've been very happy. I'm in Luton and people in England says that this place is horrible. Well, I don't see it. Only thing I can see is that, I have found so many great new friends from here. Everyone has been so helpful and nice towards me. They have really welcomed me to their lives. I really appreciate it a lot. They have their hearts in the right place. I feel very, very lucky. I'm just hoping that I can give something back to these people. I really hope I can, because they really deserve it. For me Luton is now nice place, where I have good friends. People really make the place. Everyone should remember this!!!

So for me England is now a superb place to be. Every country has something good and bad in it. But the people I've met here are fantastic bunch of characters!!! These really are best times of my short life!!!

And also same goes to Czech Republic!!! I love that place and the people. They also did give me so much. I really have met so nice people in my trip now that its really something so great!!! Its the ultimate birthday gift for me.

All this is possible for me now. Finally, I am myself front of the people. It means that people can finally see that I'm not acting to be somebody else. They finally can grab something on me. They see that I'm real. It makes things easier for everybody. And its so great. Good things happen to good people. I think karma does exist. If you trust people, you cannot lose anything. Well I did lose my camera, but its something small... What I've get its something so much more... You cannot buy it... You have to deserve it. And finally I think I deserve it!!!

Finally at 24 year of age, I've realize that its the people who count, not anything else. And company will find who are alike. That means I finally can joy my friends and me. Like I said, Its the ultimate birthday present for me. What else you really need? You need to be yourself, be there for your friends, like there are there for you!

In the past I did see only the bad things in everything... I still see the bad things. But now I don't care anymore about that, because finally I can see the good things too. And there really is so much goodness and love in the world if you just open your eyes to see that. Then you really don't anymore care about these bad things... And why you even should? Good things in your life makes you happy. And when you are happy, you have something special. You really cannot buy it, now I finally understand that.

So I thank you all my friends so very much!!! I'm looking forward to enjoy you, finally!!! Never take your friends for granted!!!

I think this was all for now... I think you can see my change in this blog... I think writing these things has helped to me realize things... Thank you... Feedback has been very important for me... But still my humor will be very rude and offensive to lots of people... I'm sorry about that, but people has to understand its just humor, nothing more...

02.08.09 - Nine Inch Nails, Sonisphere Knebworth Setlist

1. The Way Out is Through
2. Wish
3. I Do Not Want This
4. Something I Can Never Have
5. Gone, Still
6. The Frail
7. The Wretched
8. Non-Entity
9. Lights In The Sky
10. The Downward Spiral
11. Hurt

Very nice, quiet and sad setlist. Almost perfect setlist for the last European gig. It made me very sad and happy in the same time. Unfortunately it was very, very short one. But you cannot get all... I'm happy that I did see this gig, very happy indeed...

Lyrics Of The Day : NIN - Closer

you let me violate you. you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you. you let me complicate you
help me i broke apart my insides. help me i've got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me. help me get away from myself

i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to feel you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

you can have my isolation. you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith. you can have my everything
help me you tear down my reason. help me it's your sex i can smell
help me you make me perfect. help me become somebody else

i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to feel you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

through every forest, above the trees
within my stomach. scraped off my knees
i drink the honey inside your hive
you are the reason i stay alive

'R', this is kind of something that you "ordered", when you said to me, you know what... hehehehehe!!! But there is also deeper meaning hidden in the lyrics, everybody can try find it by themselves...