Friends... Close Friends... Or Not?

I have pretty good amount of friends around a globe, but I have noticed that I have only a few close friends who really enjoy my company and really want to interact with me. Noticing something like this really a bummer. It actually hurts. Then I start thinking that why? It must be me, I cannot blame anyone else for this. And still I haven't fully figured this out, but I have a few things on my mind...

The first would be that I did push people away when I was depressed. Interact with me then was not easy, because I never showed "real me" for them and I was like a brick, no emotions at all. And my shyness coming along with my trust issues... Can I blame anyone for that? No I cannot...

The second would be that I am actually pretty boring person and there hardly is any excitement moments with me. And of course, people try to find friends that are not so boring...

The third thing would be my jokes and my opinions. Both are usually pretty offensive and harsh for many. And I have no ability to debate, so I don't do it, because if I would start debate with somebody of my opinions that somebody would get hurt someway or another. I am very aggressive and bad debater and I know it, so I don't want to debate. But sometimes I have to and people get hurt. But I always say that I don't want to, but sometimes people don't listen... I usually respect others opinions, but some just do not understand that you cannot convert me. And I should understand that sometimes I cannot convert others either... And about my jokes, sometimes they are funny and sometimes they aren't. People should understand that jokes are just jokes... Nothing more...

And the fourth thing would be my over-pushing nature. I might be a bit too enthusiastic and too pushy for some people. Because I actually care and want to bond with people. And sometimes (read, almost always) go overboard with that. So for some that can be even offensive. But also I should understand that enough is enough... But sometimes it's just too hard for me to understand...

So how I did noticed my lack of close friends? Actually I have known it a long time now, but I really did think things would change when I changed... But it didn't... And also I did noticed that a few who I did think to be my close friends, wasn't really that close. I wanted them to be and I close my eyes from the reality.... Some I did mess up by myself, some I don't know. But truth is that it hurts and noticing these so late is my fault... nobody else's...

I have been called irritating, stupid, close-minded, afraid to try new things and so on. I think I'm not, but truth can differ... I really don't know anymore... But when I look how many of my friends actually contact me and not the other way... Truth unfolds and it ain't pretty. When there is only really an handful of people, you just have to look at the mirror... And also it's almost impossible to repair what is already broken. Now I can see that too...

I have over 80 friends on Facebook. And over 50 of them, I don't know them and I'm pretty sure that they don't know me either. So I have been thinking to delete them and I now I have decided to do that. I don't want to participate on the popularity contest. I cannot see the point.

But overall I'm happy that I have even these very few close friends in my life, and I'm a very, very grateful for them. They keep me loving myself... And things could be so much worse too... Somehow I also feel like a lucky one...

But the real conclusion is that I need to start again in some new place. I need the clean table where I can build my life without the ghosts from my past... Because now they are always there and I cannot get rid of them, not in here. I have start over already two times... Both failed, because I wasn't ready, but now I am and let's just hope that third time will be a charm...

It's hard to keep yourself happy and not depressed when you realize these kinda things, but somehow I have kept myself happy... Thank god for that...

Lyrics Of The Day : Jesu - End Of The Road

These scars don't heal
I don't mind
There's a path somewhere
I can't find
Losing again
I don't mind
I'll be at peace
Still inside

These scars don't heal
I don't mind
There's a path somewhere
I can't find
Losing again
I don't mind
I'll be at peace
Still inside

Well, lyrics say all what I have on my mind. It's a very beautiful song, everyone should listen it. It's a somewhat comforting song if you are feeling down...

Things Aren't Going Like I Planned...

It has been a long time since my last post, but things didn't really go like I planned. Did I lose? Looks like it. Well, things could be worse, I think....

I still haven't got my internship place, that sucks but patience is a virtue. And this means that I will graduate earliest in late April 2010. That's not good at all, because it means that I will start my Masters Degree in September 2011. So the gap is about 1 1/2 years. What I will do with this time? Nobody will give me a job, because my degree sucks and I don't have any money to travel either... I just can hope that somebody will give me a crappy job, because I will need the money...

And yes, I will go and do Masters Degree if I get in and that will be hard, but there is always hope. I have a few options and they look good. First one is Maastricht University in Netherlands (Yes, back to the Netherlands). I am very interested to read more about International Business and they have one of the best European Business Departments, so wish me luck. The second one is Google's Online Media Associate Programme in Dublin, Ireland. Seems nice and probably it will be very hard to get in. But trying to get in isn't killing anyone...

But first I need to get my Bachelors Degree and for that I need my internship place and also I need to do my Thesis, just waiting that my school will approve my topic. I really hope they will, because if they won't, then I'm really screwed...

So what has happen in last few months? Nothing important for my future. Some little thing has happen what have had an effect to my personal life and for my mental health, hehe... It's not that easy to keep being happy and not depressed than I imagined, life isn't easy. But still overall I'm happy and I'm not depressed. That really is a main thing for me. But about this I will write more in my next post, which will be here very soon...