Lyrics Of The Day : NIN - Only

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore
(no it doesn't really matter anymore)
No it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself

And it worked.
Yes it did!

There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me

Only

Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside

There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me

Only

So these lyrics again says something about realizing what you have become... Finding real you is essential...

Something About The People and Religions, Part One

So, somebody did say that my blog looks like it have been made 14 year old boy... Only sex and women. Well, maybe its true then... But its just fun to write about those things... hehe... But about those things I already have write everything so I think there will be lot less writings about those things in the future... And now I will write something about human mentality and all that stuff... Here we go!!!

I was in Czech Republic at my friends place in small town called Svatoborice. It was really the best time of my life. I've haven't been this happy, I think ever. It was nice to talk with somebody who wants to understand that I have been through and were I am now. It was liberating. She also want to analyze things through like me. So it was nice to chat about hard things. At the same time I think we really came a really close friends. It is for me very important. It makes me so very happy!

I believe that people don't really change. Your core have some good and some bad characteristics. These characteristics are you. People really cannot change, they are what they are in the end. But many people don't listen their core and they think to be something that they aren't. That is what happened to me. I think that makes some people very depressed. They are scared to be themselves. They are acting to be something that they really aren't. I finally know who I am and I finally can show this real me to the people. It is liberating, it makes me happy. And like my friends sister said : I cannot believe that "Zannn" don't have girlfriend!!! I feel that said a lot how far I have become... Before nobody wouldn't really said that, and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy, hehe...

In the same we can link the self-hatred, what is the main thing that makes people depressed. When you are depressed you really hate yourself. And then you are starting to spread this hatred to the others. You think how anybody can love you, because even you aren't loving yourself. That's why you start change yourself to something else that you aren't. Maybe then somebody would love you. But it's true, if you don't love yourself, nobody cannot really love you. Because they don't really know who you are. When you are real you and you really love yourself, then people really can love you and people WILL love you. You just really need to be YOU and not acting to be somebody else.

I have already seen the change in people attitude towards me. People are more open to me now, because they see I'm real me, not trying to act anything. So people now trust me, it feels good. People tend to see when you are acting and when you aren't. My advise to people is just be yourself and everything will be fine in the end. Everybody has their good and bad qualities... You cannot change them, so just embrace them. Nobody is perfect. I can say that more people will like you than hate you. And in the end, people tend to be more good than bad, if they listen their core.

Then the next topic... I have seen that people don't nowadays have the power to see things through. If something is hard, you quit and find a new thing. Here is good example, divorce rates, they are so high and getting even more higher. And now I think that part reason for this is that people aren't so religious. I think that religion is one weird way to listen to your core and many people need that religion to do that. I see this in my friends home, her family is very Catholic and you really could see that there. And actually I think it not a bad thing at all. Religion usually gives the strength people to look things through. If relationship has problems, they have usually that strength to try to fix problems and usually it works. Its something that non-religious people don't usually have and they give up. Which is so shame, because people tend to forget that in the broken families usually grow more broken children.

The religion is a vessel to hear yourself, your core, but religious people think they hear or feel God when they really hear or feel themselves. I'm not talking now about Islam, Scientology, "Talking Snake" Christians or these closed communities, they are just lunies... But it's a shame that many Atheists and Agnostics don't listen their core and don't even try to find their inner power. Well I could be wrong, probably I am, but this is how I think about this.

And I still think that religion institutes are kind of useless. People just need to listen their core, be honest to themselves and love themselves. You don't need to religion to do it. But looks like some need religion to do that. That is why nowadays I think some religions has also some good sides too...

Lyrics Of The Day : Gojira - Vacuity

The sickness of this world is destroying all the dreams
The fools are kings, tearing apart the soul
The race for complication communicate reaction
The lack of heart of men, I grow distant from the core

Borrow this body for a lifetime, earthly material
My soul unraveled out of mental
The shell returns to dust

I focus on the present concentrate on what I find
Accelerate the vision high beyond the curse of time
Bring light to my attention, the walls of vacuum fall
This force increases and tells me where to go

Follow, I enter my dimensions, awakened heart of life
Enforce my senses, I'm understanding
I find the will to live straight

I feel the change I see the vicious circle
finally turned into a virtuous one
Having the whole world in my hands, filled
Timelessness

Out of the frame I feel so vast I'm all around myself
Imaginative interaction
But I keep struggling inside to hold this always
Forever there

Is it the fear to fall in space that keeps us from understanding
The only way to find the power is to look inside
Increase your fall on purpose and let this river flow
Now you hold this secret appeared out of the vacuum of space

Remain in what you are, the center of your life
You made it to this point no one can tell you how
You crawled and bled all the way but you were the only one
That was tearing your soul apart, you finally find yourself

These lyrics are very nice ones and actually tells kinda what to do to get yourself out and free again... There is many parts that really are like from my life. And I did finally find myself!

About Women, Part Three

So let's keep on with this subject, because it's so fun. Now I have seen again much of different countries and women. Which women has been best yet? Well, I really think women (not younger girls) in Paris. They were the first ones who really did show their appreciation towards me, when I did something nice for them, like giving road to them or open door to them. I really, really like that. It shows the class what they have in there. I haven't get it anywhere else on that amount. I didn't really like Paris that much, but this was something that I liked so much that, now I think its a pretty good place (only first 4 districts). Why women in other places aren't like this?

Which country has the most beautiful women? Easy to answer, Slovakia (probably Czech Republic too, but that I will see soon). If to my eye about 40% of the women is stunningly beautiful ones, you really can get better than that, and I'm a very picky one as you know. Which women have been least classy and beautiful? English ones all the way (with Americans). I really think it will be a shock for me in England. They are so not my type. But England is heaven for guys who just want to be hammered and fuck everything that moves. Well I don't know how I will find the upper class ones, but middle and lower class ones are horrible. Of course, there is always some exceptions, but not many.

It's weird, all the places where I have been now, usually if women are nice and beautiful, guys are rude, ugly and very pushy... Like here in Slovakia, guys are horrible and nasty. French guys are also nasty, but usually handsome. I just cannot understand how this can be? These women deserve so much better and in the deep down I think that they know it, I hope that they do.

Last night in the nightclub was something so unbelievable for me that I'm almost speechless... I really didn't belong there. Guys were very drunk, very hands-on and didn't take no for the answer. It was sad to watch and they also like to fight a lot. I was always cock-blocked immediately. Also on that nightclub there was maybe 65% guys and only 35% women, well usually girls, I think some were only 15yo or something... And 40yo+ guys were fucking them. I actually feel a bit sad about it. Not classy at all and that should be the classy place here!!! I don't even want to know what kinda places are the least classy ones...

And England is still coming... Starting to feel scared!!!

About My Sex Life... (I Know This Is Stupid)

Okay, this will be awkward. So now my head is again sober and can see things clearly. This means that I have been seeing things that I haven't seen in the long time. And because now I know who I really am and I like the guy how is looking me from the mirror. I have seen myself doing ugly stuff at the past, what I couldn't do anymore. I have really high morale and a long time I did ignored it. That make me depressed and hate myself. Well, it was one of the million reasons, but still... And yes, I'm talking about one night stands.

I actually think (but not sure...) that many of my friends still think that I'm a virgin (well, 8 years ago was still was...), because I usually don't brag that I did have sex. Usually only thing that I say is, if somebody ask of me, I just say ""maybe". And yes, I have had my fair share of one night stands and usually my ex-girlfriends also had sex with me (and sometimes even with everyone else too...)

What I'm then talking about my high morale? Well, there is one thing that I'm not proud of. It is that my one night stand girls has usually been drunk. And that is something that my morale don't like. Weird isn't it? I really think that its wrong to go and have sex with somebody who is drunk and maybe don't even remember everything in the morning. I think, it's just wrong. I think its something doing how I was raised. I maybe respect women too much. Now well, that automatically means that now having sex is not that easy for me, there is a lots of challenge for me to get one night stand. But I will take the hard road, because I like to be myself again and doing things like my morale tells me to do. This is not optimal situation for a sex-addict, but well, who said life should be easy?

It's funny, because I'm now again myself, I'm very easy to read. So guys usually cock-block me instantly and girls in the clubs really don't appreciate my qualities. But there is always some girls who notice my qualities and like them a lot, and usually they are already married, hehe, just my luck. Like here in Bratislava that happened. But I think that they just see me like friend like person, not somebody who they would want to have sex or relationship. Well, when I was miserable, having sex was easy and now when I'm happy, its hard. Its just so weird.

But this all mean that I'm again looking a relationship. Now I'm myself again, so maybe I actually get lucky this time and find somebody who actually appreciate my qualities. There must be somebody like that in the world? Hopefully many, because I there's only one, she would be pretty hard to find... But well also my standards are high, so it might take a while. But one thing is sure, her nationality isn't English, German, Spanish, Belgian or Italian. That would be very unlikely. Girls in those countries are usually just too far away from my standards. But never say, never... And I didn't but Finnish girls in the list... Weird isn't it? after all this time...

And I haven't still get it, why I attract more older ladies (30yo+) and very young girls (13-17yo), but not much ladies at 20 to 29? Cannot understand... Yes, I look maybe 5 to 7 years younger than I am, but still... This is something I want to know. Is it my personality/qualities that older ladies like? And is my facial features that attract these teens? I really want the answers... And I'm not interested young girls... But older ladies are different thing... 20 to 45 goes for me... And please don't be moralizing me about this...

Well, for me this all means hard times, being a sex-addict and not having sex regularly. Oh well, I always have my right hand to easy my situation, hehe...

The Line Begins To Blur

Now these lyrics have so big meaning for me... When you are addicted to self-hatred, it's so nice to really realize things how they really are...

There are things that I said I would never do
There are fears that I cannot believe have come true
For my soul is too sick and too little and too late
And myself I have grown too weary to hate

The more I stay in here
The more it's not so clear
The more I stay in here
The more I disappear
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur

Is somebody on top of me?
I don't know, I don't know
Isn't anyone stopping me?
I don't know, I don't know
Well I'm trying to hold my breath
I don't know, I don't know
Just how far down can I go?
I don't know, I don't know
I don't know

As I lie here and stare
The fabric starts to tear
It's far beyond repair
And I don't really care
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur

About myself & my doings, Part One (yes, I'm sure there will be more parts on this...)

Don't ever write things, when you are emotionally wreck!!! Because you will realize that what you write then, is not true. And you tend to hurt people you love, because you hate yourself...

Last week was hard for me. I did do and say things to people that I shouldn't had. I was maybe first time in my life really into the bottom. But in Saturday, something happened. I did see real myself in first time in a long, long time. Like many of you have noticed, I have been downward spiraling ages. The life I had have, could turn good man bad. And I was thinking that is happening to me too now. I was horrible to the people I love and I was doing that because I was thinking that I'm changing to a mean person, cold person... Like I was meant to do that. And I really don't remember when I was last time happy...

But like I said, Saturday did make me realize that I'm not changing anywhere, I was only thinking that. I am what I am and today I did look to the mirror and said to myself, I love you. It was first time in my life when I really did mean that. And it feel good. It made me happier person. It just so funny, that you have to do something horrible to someone else before you realize what you really are. And what you have done.

So who then I really am? Well, I'm a good person. I was starting to think that I'm a bad person and act like it. But really I am a good person, and this person is what you all will see now one... I'm kind, loving, unselfish, I usually think other people first and trusting. But also I'm very hard headed and a bit of an idiot sometimes, rude too, with my honesty. I'm also a lone wolf and shy. That is who I am. So not that bad person, as you all will see in the future.

When you are good at manipulate other persons, like me, there is a lot of dangerous things happening. Should I do that or not? and so on. But if you dwell of things too much, then there is a problem, you start to manipulate yourself. And that will make you lose your perspective on things. that did happen to me and badly.

Finally, I feel happy, I'm myself. Hatred of myself was keeping me away from happiness and of my real self, while I was hurting people I love. Now It's over. I'm free.

Next time I'm online in next Monday. I'm excited to see how this happiness will affect me!!!

And Finally, I'm very sorry and I apologize any wrong doings in my past. But I promise to make up those doings in the future. And all you will see that I will. I cannot take back what I've had done, but I can be better in the future!!!

Geneva

So first of all I almost miss my flight. I was going to the airport by train and the last stop before the airport train stopped and they said its not going to go anywhere anymore. The buses were full and with those I would be late... So taxi it was, 35€ went there, but I just made it... Only minutes were left... It made me a bit scared. But in the end everything was fine.

In Geneva, hostel was fine, but full of 45yo+ people. So not that much fun for me. The city itself were very expensive, didn't buy anything from there. I was just walking in the amazing parks and taking photos. Also then I was keeping company for very beautiful, about 40yo, divorced Italian lady. Who actually was a professional dancer. I yes, you can see it. And she did pay all the drinks, which was very kind of her. And yes, there was my two days in Geneva. But I had fun time there. It was very surreal, almost like from the movie, what happened for me there, but looks like it that in the real life there happens weird things. And the lake is so beautiful and very clean.

There is a lot this society people there. Maybe about 50% of the tourists were rich people, with their yachts and nice cars. Lots of those Americans too. I really didn't fit in on with those people, unfortunately... Because it would be nice to have some rich friends...

Also I did see first time in my life the stereotypical Hollywood movie hooker street with the pimps and all. It was strange and somewhat funny. And in Geneva!!!

I think that's all about Geneva. I recommend to visit this beautiful city and have fun!!!

08.07.09 - Nine Inch Nails, Amsterdam Setlist

1. Home
2. 1,000,000
3. Letting You
4. Sin
5. March of the Pigs
6. Piggy (Nothing Can Stop Me Now)
7. Metal
8. The Line Begins To Blur
9. Head Down
10. Burn
11. Gave Up
12. La Mer
13. The Frail
14. The Wretched
15. Non-Entity
16. I Do Not Want This
17. The Downward Spiral
18. Wish
19. Survivalism
20. Mr. Self Destruct
21. Echoplex
22. Suck
23. The Hand That Feeds
24. Head Like A Hole
25. Hurt
26. In This Twilight

It was very, very emotional show for me, because everything what happened between these two shows. It really helped to get some of my steams out. The setlist was perfect for me. Almost every songs lyrics tells the story of my emotions and thoughts right now. Nothing can top this experience, it was perfect for me. Particularly lyrics of 1.000.000, Sin, Piggy, The Line Begins To Blur, Burn, Gave Up, I Do Not Want This & Mr. Self Destruct have something to say of my condition right now... And "In This Twilight" is a perfect closing song, absolutely one the most beautiful songs ever made.

07.07.09 - Nine Inch Nails, Paris Setlist

1. Somewhat Damaged
2. Terrible Lie
3. Heresy
4. March of the Pigs
5. Reptile
6. The Becoming
7. I'm Afraid of Americans
8. Burn
9. Gave Up
10. La Mer
11. The Fragile
12. Non-Entity
13. Gone, Still
14. The Way Out is Through
15. Wish
16. Survivalism
17. Physical (You're So)
18. The Day the World Went Away
19. Hurt
20. The Hand That Feeds
21. Head Like A Hole

It was awesome gig and the crowd was insane. Song "Survivalism" have now really a new meaning for me...