Changes - Leixlip

So again I had a long pause, but now the excuses are much better than at the last time. There has been a big changes in my life, finally. I did get a job from Ireland and also I did get my final thesis subject. So nowadays I'm a busy man. My work did start 7.12. I'm working for HP in Leixlip, Ireland. New country and big company. Sounds good and it is. Last few weeks has been really, really, busy for me. Moving out, moving in, filling all the papers, finding all the stuff and the training at the work. But finally, I have some space to breath again. Today I did also got internet again, it really feels very liberating.

This was very short and quick post to tell you all that I'm still alive and well. I will start writing again more in depth on next week, when I have again more energy...

Something About Feminism

Please read first this great article from Neil Lyndon.

I know that many will be mad for me because this post, but this is just something I need to write. First of all, when I'm writing about feminism, I mean the second-wave feminism not about the first-wave feminism. The first-wave feminism was a good thing. It made both genders equal and there still is some places in the world where this first-wave feminism is needed (read Middle-East, Africa and so on). But here in western civilized world it has done the job already, and thank god for that. But the second-wave feminism which is live and well here now and has been a few decades, is killing all the good things that the first-wave feminism did.

The second-wave feminism is all about man-hate, hate towards families, children and healthy women sexuality. I really have to say that I despise this feminism movement. We already can see what it has done for our western society. Broken marriages, broken children, violence among girls rising and all destructive behavior among girls and women has gone off the chart. Of course, feminism is not the only reason here, but it's the most important, there is no doubt about it. But all this makes me sick. We guys are already the worst gender, we do not need our species better half come down to our level. Unfortunately, it seems like girls are coming to the bottom and fast.

But media will of course glorify this kind of behavior. Like when some woman leaves her husband and children. Media will say "She did brave decision! Good for her!!!". And when guy will do this, media will say "That bastard, how could he?!?!?!". This kind of behavior from both genders is awful. Because from the broken families comes broken children. And that is not a good thing at all. As we can already see...

Birth rates has gone down in western society. And again feminism says this is a good thing. "Having children is men way to slave us!!!" they say. They just miss this one big point here... Our main purpose in this planet is to have children. It's a bless, not a curse! But for a feminist motherhood is a bad thing too, because it keeps women to reach their full potential, "being a mother is like to be a slave". But again I would say that being a mother, a good mother means that woman has reached her full potential. Do not get this wrong. I don't mean that women should not do anything else. Of course, women can on the side have all the rest what they want, job, etc. But I cannot imagine that woman would get more satisfying feeling than being a good mother. But in the end, what I know? I'm just some stupid finnish guy...

I just cannot understand what makes being a womanly woman so bad? We don't have the gender roles by accident, there is a reason for that. The reason is that we would survive in this world, plain and simple. I myself like womanly girls, if their bodies are womanly, which for me means that they aren't too skinny or too fat. Of course if the girl is voluptuous (like Monica Bellucci) I really don't mind, but it's not necessary. Also when girls dress up womanly, it's so beautiful. And I don't mean these horrid porn outfits what girls nowadays wear. I mean nice dresses and so on. Good dress never show too much skin. So what is wrong about these kind of things? I say NOTHING!!!

About being happy. It's weird, I remember my grandmas, they were really happy. And I did also talk about these things with them. They did not mind they roles, both there were housewives. Actually, the real power was always on their hands. The house was always theirs. They didn't feel powerless or anything. And they were happy. But nowadays seems like nobody is happy. Of course, times have changed. But actually, times are much more easier now. In the past, women has bring the peace to the house, but nowadays women are more miserable than ever, probably. So now there is nobody who bring would bring the peace and care to the house. That is so shame... And everyone can see the consequences of that nowadays.

And for me the funny part in all of this is that feminists usually have relationships with these wife-beaters and all the rest of the real bad guys. Well, like I like to say, what ever floats your boat...

So then am I chauvinist wife-beater? No, I am not. Actually I treat my girlfriends like princesses, I would do almost anything for them. I'm polite and I listen. And I never would even imagine to hit any girl. So I'm decent ordinary guy who just cannot understand what is wrong on real equality? And why our better-halfs want to be like us? For me real equality means that women would keep up to be better than us and that women would remember what they really are, our guides and nurtures of life. Maybe then our species will still have a chance.

So here I said briefly why I hate feminism. I hope you get my point of view, if not, then I you probably should go and look to the mirror. I don't mean that everyone should agree with me, but I think people should understand my point of view...

Worst Week In A Long, Long Time...

Last time I did say that I wouldn't write about myself now, but I did change my mind. So this week has been so depressing for me. Usually when things has been depressing for me, it have meant that my relationships and so on has go wrong. But now it's not that. Now it's other important things that would help me with my future. So let's start then...

First things first, I didn't get a job from Belfast. And I really did want that place. Everything did go smoothly, even my interviewer said to me that "you did great and you are my first pick". I was the ideal candidate, but surprise!!! In the end I didn't get the job. It hurts and badly. It was something that really wanted, I was so excited and now I'm down...

Second thing would be that yet again my thesis subject wasn't good enough for my teachers, without any valid reasons. So now I have start all over again with my thesis. And that will take time. Now it really looks like that cannot graduate even in spring. This sucks so much.

Then also I have already let my one friend down few times now, because my big mouth. I said too early that I might get a job from Belfast and she could get my flat from here when I would leave. And she really need new place and fast, so she was at both times so excited and happy about it. Now I did not get the job and she cannot get the flat. I did let her down and I hate it. Sometimes I am just too excited about things and I cannot keep my mouth shut. So people get hurt, now that happened...

Also I cannot get rid off from one very annoying girl. She is really harassing me with her text-messaging and she's trying to come same places than me. I have said to her that I'm not interested and leave me alone, but she's not even hearing those... Just keep trying harder and harder. I just cannot understand her. She has boyfriend and all. She should keep harassing him, not me... But on the other side, now I know how few my friends feel about me. With them, I have been too pushy and haven't realize that I'm for them annoying or the past. Why I couldn't see so oblivious things? I don't know, but now I know and I will give the ball for them. They know where I stand, so now they have to show me their stand. And I will accept their decision.

Now I really feel that I would need that partner who would hold me and said that everything will be alright. But unfortunately I don't have anyone, I have to survive by my own. Emotional guy in Finland... Not good at all, because in here guys cannot show any emotions or weaknesses... What a "nice" place we have here...

So all my plans has gone wrong and now I need to start from scratch. So next week will be a busy time for me. But now it really seems that I have to live this winter in Finland. If I survive this, I will survive anything. Fortunately I'm not alone... And in the end, I'm OK.

Let's close this post with a joke... Finnish guy was send to hell. While the devil was planning nice torture plan for the guy, the devil asked from the guy "Where are you from?". Guy answered "From Finland". Then the devil looked the guy in disbelieve and said "My God!!! Immediately take these three hot chicks and live like a king. You have suffered enough!"

What Has Happened On Last 2 1/2 Months...

So what has happen to me on these last months? Well, like I already said nothing much, but still something important and not so important. In general more good things that bad things. Lots of annoying things. So let's start shall we...

First of all I haven't found my internship place yet. I probably have send more that hundred(!!!) applications, but no luck for me. Of course one of the reasons is this economical climate. There really isn't much open places left in the IT field and also when there is, all the successful applicants are highly educated and have lots of work experience. And with my CV I cannot compete with them at all. It's a shame really, because 1 1/2 years ago, finding a place would being like walk in the park. Then there was lots of openings, but now the reality is that there is nothing for me. All this means that I will graduate much later that I was imagine. If I am very, very lucky I can get my degree in late May 2010. But that is not going to happen, unfortunately. But it looks that I can start to do my thesis on next week!!! So finally I will have something else to do than working my grip...

Second thing would be that, I have been hanging a lot with my friends. Well, with those few who I still have here. It has been very nice indeed. It also has meant that I have been hanging in the bars and nightclubs more often I should have. Like you probably already know that I'm not keen to visit nightclubs, but well it can and have been pretty fun sometimes. I have slipped and had a fairly good amount of sleepovers because of that. But those have left me feeling pretty OK about myself. Thank god for that, because I was very worried that I would start downward spiraling again because of that. But never happened.

It actually has been funny to noticed now when my self-confidence is very, very high. It haven't been high in ages. And I also have been working out in five times per week, which means that, finally my body starts to looks good as well (but still there is a lot of work to be done). That girls really dig me. I haven't ever been this popular with the ladies. And I have to say it feels good. Nowadays girls are also coming to hit on me and I can see and feel that they really like me (well, my looks anyway...). It is very nice feeling to have, feel to be wanted. Unfortunately, even more of girls and guys thinks that I'm gay. Well, usually in Finland people think that you are gay if you like to dress up well. So it's not a problem... And actually it's a great chat opener with girls and in the end they have noticed that I'm not gay...

The third thing is, like I already said, that I have been working out a lot and it have started to show. Which is very nice to know... Because I remember when I started about 2 1/2 years, 22 kilos and 6 sizes ago that I want my body to look good and well. Finally I am starting to be near. It feels good and gives me a lot of energy to see this through. I still have some fat left, but it doesn't show that much anymore. Maybe in the year I will get these last few kilos of fat off and finally I would have that six-pack too. I'm not try to get all the fat off, but most of it. I have been working out 3 1/2 hours per day and 5 times per week. These include running exercise, weight training and finally stretching. So I am in pretty fine shape at the moment and I try to keep up with this training schedule. If and when I get my internship place, I was planning to do only 4 day per week schedule, with 2 hour training per day. I think that's enough then... But in the end, I will get my fat off sooner or later... And get some muscle too...

I think here I told almost everything what I have been doing these last 2 1/2 months. So there was almost nothing to tell. Usually I had a boring days with maybe 5 hours of some kind of action, all the rest have gone either for sleep or working my grip, which by the way is starting to be really firm.

I am still very happy, even when I have realized a few things that haven't been so nice. Like I feel like I have started to drift apart from my family and from my few good friends. But actually I don't see that drifting apart from the family is necessary a bad thing, I am already 24 years old and I have my own life. We never have been very close anyway. I think that it's just one final necessary step what I need to take to really start my own life. Unfortunately my mother haven't yet understand it and probably never will. But the problem is more hers than mine.

Also my crush has come and gone and there is no new one in the horizon. Which is a shame. Because what I really miss and need is to have somebody to love. I want to give my love and affection to somebody. And it's more like a need for me. And also it would be finally nice to receive those ones too. It's a good thing that I finally understand that I cannot get that off the one-night-stands. That's probably why actually can do those again without losing it. But I really feel like I need to start somewhere else from the clean table, maybe then I would find somebody by coincidence and have some peace in my life. Like they say, patience is a virtue and I have it. Someday I will find what I'm looking for and so will she.

I finally get it, why I'm writing so personal blog. Many thinks that this is so stupid and it probably is. But it makes me happy and helps me get my thoughts in order. I now see how liberating this is for me. I did come down a bit in these 2 1/2 months, but now I started to write my thoughts again to my blog and I feel fine and happier. This seems to be channel to tell things that I really want to tell for people, but when I am in face-to-face conversation with a person, I cannot say these. But here I can and it's just so liberating for me. I am very private person, even if it doesn't seem that way right now. But I am also honest and I have seen that this helps me, so I would be stupid not to do this. I will do everything that helps me to keep happy, it really is worth it. And anyway there is only a few people reading this blog... hehe...

I think this is the end of this post. Now I will start again to keep pace with my posts. I was thinking about 2 to 4 post per week... I hope you can handle it! And next few posts will not be about me, but about my opinions of different sensitive topics. Like you all know, I have some harsh opinions to tell!!!

Friends... Close Friends... Or Not?

I have pretty good amount of friends around a globe, but I have noticed that I have only a few close friends who really enjoy my company and really want to interact with me. Noticing something like this really a bummer. It actually hurts. Then I start thinking that why? It must be me, I cannot blame anyone else for this. And still I haven't fully figured this out, but I have a few things on my mind...

The first would be that I did push people away when I was depressed. Interact with me then was not easy, because I never showed "real me" for them and I was like a brick, no emotions at all. And my shyness coming along with my trust issues... Can I blame anyone for that? No I cannot...

The second would be that I am actually pretty boring person and there hardly is any excitement moments with me. And of course, people try to find friends that are not so boring...

The third thing would be my jokes and my opinions. Both are usually pretty offensive and harsh for many. And I have no ability to debate, so I don't do it, because if I would start debate with somebody of my opinions that somebody would get hurt someway or another. I am very aggressive and bad debater and I know it, so I don't want to debate. But sometimes I have to and people get hurt. But I always say that I don't want to, but sometimes people don't listen... I usually respect others opinions, but some just do not understand that you cannot convert me. And I should understand that sometimes I cannot convert others either... And about my jokes, sometimes they are funny and sometimes they aren't. People should understand that jokes are just jokes... Nothing more...

And the fourth thing would be my over-pushing nature. I might be a bit too enthusiastic and too pushy for some people. Because I actually care and want to bond with people. And sometimes (read, almost always) go overboard with that. So for some that can be even offensive. But also I should understand that enough is enough... But sometimes it's just too hard for me to understand...

So how I did noticed my lack of close friends? Actually I have known it a long time now, but I really did think things would change when I changed... But it didn't... And also I did noticed that a few who I did think to be my close friends, wasn't really that close. I wanted them to be and I close my eyes from the reality.... Some I did mess up by myself, some I don't know. But truth is that it hurts and noticing these so late is my fault... nobody else's...

I have been called irritating, stupid, close-minded, afraid to try new things and so on. I think I'm not, but truth can differ... I really don't know anymore... But when I look how many of my friends actually contact me and not the other way... Truth unfolds and it ain't pretty. When there is only really an handful of people, you just have to look at the mirror... And also it's almost impossible to repair what is already broken. Now I can see that too...

I have over 80 friends on Facebook. And over 50 of them, I don't know them and I'm pretty sure that they don't know me either. So I have been thinking to delete them and I now I have decided to do that. I don't want to participate on the popularity contest. I cannot see the point.

But overall I'm happy that I have even these very few close friends in my life, and I'm a very, very grateful for them. They keep me loving myself... And things could be so much worse too... Somehow I also feel like a lucky one...

But the real conclusion is that I need to start again in some new place. I need the clean table where I can build my life without the ghosts from my past... Because now they are always there and I cannot get rid of them, not in here. I have start over already two times... Both failed, because I wasn't ready, but now I am and let's just hope that third time will be a charm...

It's hard to keep yourself happy and not depressed when you realize these kinda things, but somehow I have kept myself happy... Thank god for that...

Lyrics Of The Day : Jesu - End Of The Road

These scars don't heal
I don't mind
There's a path somewhere
I can't find
Losing again
I don't mind
I'll be at peace
Still inside

These scars don't heal
I don't mind
There's a path somewhere
I can't find
Losing again
I don't mind
I'll be at peace
Still inside

Well, lyrics say all what I have on my mind. It's a very beautiful song, everyone should listen it. It's a somewhat comforting song if you are feeling down...

Things Aren't Going Like I Planned...

It has been a long time since my last post, but things didn't really go like I planned. Did I lose? Looks like it. Well, things could be worse, I think....

I still haven't got my internship place, that sucks but patience is a virtue. And this means that I will graduate earliest in late April 2010. That's not good at all, because it means that I will start my Masters Degree in September 2011. So the gap is about 1 1/2 years. What I will do with this time? Nobody will give me a job, because my degree sucks and I don't have any money to travel either... I just can hope that somebody will give me a crappy job, because I will need the money...

And yes, I will go and do Masters Degree if I get in and that will be hard, but there is always hope. I have a few options and they look good. First one is Maastricht University in Netherlands (Yes, back to the Netherlands). I am very interested to read more about International Business and they have one of the best European Business Departments, so wish me luck. The second one is Google's Online Media Associate Programme in Dublin, Ireland. Seems nice and probably it will be very hard to get in. But trying to get in isn't killing anyone...

But first I need to get my Bachelors Degree and for that I need my internship place and also I need to do my Thesis, just waiting that my school will approve my topic. I really hope they will, because if they won't, then I'm really screwed...

So what has happen in last few months? Nothing important for my future. Some little thing has happen what have had an effect to my personal life and for my mental health, hehe... It's not that easy to keep being happy and not depressed than I imagined, life isn't easy. But still overall I'm happy and I'm not depressed. That really is a main thing for me. But about this I will write more in my next post, which will be here very soon...

Back In Finland

Now I have been back in Finland about five days. And it's a weird feeling, everything is still the same. Only I have changed. I did start to work immediately with a few new projects, just trying to keep myself busy. Because next three weeks will tell a lot about my future. These are interesting times for me. If everything goes well I will get my degree in early February. And finally, I can start earning some money...

Finland didn't bring me down. I'm still same happy person from my trip. It's good, because usually Finland was the place that did bring me down always a bit more. I cannot see that happening anymore. This place isn't for me, but it could be also much worse. Finally, I can see that too...

I really cannot say what will happen next, because there is so many different options that can come true. But almost any option would be exciting for me. Let's wait and see. But really I can only win here, so I'm relaxed. Good things come to you when you are patient.

So everything is good. Now I just have to wait and do some working-out... Today I did start again and god how good it feels. Makes me even more happier... hehe...

My Trip In Whole

So my trip did last about 7 weeks. So much did happen at that time. This trip did give me so much. New friends, meeting and bonding with old friends, peace of mind, lovely landscapes, knowledge, etc... This was really something that I needed to do and it was even bigger success than I ever could have dreamed. This trip did made whole.

So back to the beginning... Then I was starting my trip, I wasn't even very excited. Nothing was exciting, days were the same than in Finland, boring and meaningless... When you are low, you cannot enjoy life. That was the case with me... Utrecht, Geneva, Paris & Amsterdam. All was the same, I was happy to see my friends in Utrecht, but that was about it. Everything else was just useless, all the same, pointless. And in Paris it did happen, I did start downward spiraling even harder and finally I was so low that, only way was up. Finally, at 11.7. it happened, realizing everything... After that I did have only fun. I did get happy. I'm OK with myself and almost with everything else... Finally free to enjoy my life and trip. And boy, I did do that. Dour, Bratislava, Svatoborice, Vienna, Linz, Istanbul, Luton, London, Bedford and even Cambridge (because of the gardens). So happy times in my life. Czech Republic, England and Istanbul was the highest points on my trip. These times were perfect.

In Czech Republic bonding with my friend, meeting her family and friends... All the people were so nice and helpful. Me and my friend did connect so well. She is now one of my closest friends. Somebody who I can really trust. Czech Republic was THE place on my trip. It is only place where I have felt that I belong. Landscapes, people and community. All did connect. I have only good to tell about Czech Republic. If you have chance to visit the country, please do. You wont regret it. Also I did noticed a few things in Czech Republic. There was loads pregnant women and a little children. It was very nice to see that. I really didn't see those anywhere else in those quantities. Second thing was that, there isn't any immigration there. Only people from other eastern European countries and they work there. This was also so nice to see. There were none of these problems that we have here in western Europe. It was also really nice to see...

And then the England. I have to be honest here. I don't really like the country that much, but here the people came in the picture. I did just really meet the right persons there. It's so simple. I haven't never met so many nice people on so short time. Very special people. That's why England also will have very special place in my heart. I have been so lucky because I have met these lovely people in England. I am the lucky one. If I wouldn't met them, I think my trip in England would be very bad experience. But now it was one of the best one! Thanks again guys!!!

Finally, the Istanbul! I did met my friend again and we had a blast! Fantastic times for me. The city is big, hectic and well, hectic. Insane! If I stay there maybe week or two, things are OK. If more, I would go insane. But it was really nice to see Istanbul, it's really different. But yeah, I did have so great time there with my friend. It's really nice to sit and just chat. And sightseeing in Istanbul is must!

So there I did say most important thing from my trip. First two week were bad ones, next five weeks were awesome! It would be interesting to see, how I would feel about those first places now... I just weren't in the mindset then... But now me happy and now I have to see what future holds for me... I have feeling that something very good... But I have to look and see...

About Probabilities & Following Your Heart

Odds are usually against us. The chance to succeed is lower than the chance of failure. We just have to have the believe that we will beat the odds and succeed. This was something that I didn't have when I was depressed and full of self-hatred. So nothing really happened to me. I really didn't do anything that look like it that I could fail at it. I did play safe and it is something so stupid. What you can win, if you play safe? Nothing!!! Finally I have realize this.

I have been always a dreamer. Even when I was depressed. I have very creative mind, it needs to create something all the time. So If my mind don't have anything else to do, it starts to create dreams and my dream future. It also did help me, when I was lowest pits of my life. There was always something to look forward to. My "dreams". But they were only dreams, because I didn't do anything to pursuit them. But now things are different. Now I will pursuit them, even if there looks to be almost no chance to succeed. But there is always a chance! Even if it is only a little one. If you don't play, you cannot win.

Now I'm very driven to succeed on my path. I follow my heart and don't care about the odds. If I fail and look like a fool. Then I do, but nobody cannot tell me that I didn't try! And if I succeed, I will be one of the most happiest guys on the planet. Also then I could show everybody that the odds doesn't mean anything. Only thing that counts is that you follow your heart and do not care about anything else. I can see my path now so clearly, I know what I want, I will pursuit it. I will succeed, I will not quit! I have the patience, determination and will to succeed and get things that makes me happy. Even if it will take years to succeed...

So now you are thinking, what are the things that he's talking about? Well, I did realize too late that I am pretty good at football... But as a player my chances are already long gone, but as a coach? Hahaa!!! That is something I would like to do and I would be good at it. So before I will turn 30, I will have my UEFA Pro coaching licence. I have 6 years before I will turn 30. I will succeed, just watch me. The IT just isn't something that I enjoy to do, but I will do it first about 5 to 10 years, to get money for the licences and traveling. And with relationships, I don't play safe, when I find something special, I will pursuit it, even if it would look hard and odds would be against me. I do not care, I just follow my heart. And finally, I will get my river mill with a vineyard, just watch me...

Now many thinks I'm a fool, idiot and a dreamer. You will not succeed, you will only get hurt... Maybe that will be true, but like I said... But nobody can't say that I didn't try! And did you? That is the real question...

Power Of Words

It's funny how words can really hurt you even more than physical violence. Words can leave your soul scarred and broken, many of the people even cannot fix these damages. It's sad that people don't really realize this. We should think what we say before we open our mouths. I have said so many bad things to people, sometimes intentionally and sometimes unintentionally. Nowadays I feel ashamed what I've said in the past to the people. You never should spread the hatred in the world. There is enough of that in here. It's a shame that I've realize this only now... But it's better late than never. Many don't realize this ever. When you say something bad to the person, you only get the person even more down, nobody is immune to the words. People should realize this and fast.

There is also other side in the words. The can also lift you up when you say them from the heart. I have noticed this. And I like to do this. If somebody is good in something, say that to this person. If you see or hear something attractive, say this to other person. For example, if you think somebody of your friends is beautiful or handsome, just say it to this person. Same goes if the person does a good job. You won't lose anything here and this person will feel better when you have say it. You won't lose anything and others will just gain from the words. It's not that hard to say compliments, just open your mouth and say it and then everybody will feel better. Even you.

This has become habit of mine now. I not completely there yet, but I will soon. It's nice to see that you have made somebody happier with a few little words. It makes also you a bit happier. Its nice to see the smile of the person. They will appreciate it, I think even more now than in the past. Our world has become distorted, looks like that only bad things has value now. I don't think so. I really think if people would be more open and would say compliments to each other, world would be a bit better place. People would be happier. Compliments feel good. It's a simple thing isn't it? So we all should try it, I think so. How about you?

Random Things From My Trip

Have to do something, this flight is so long... So let's write a new blog entry! Maybe this time I should write something about my trip. So much has happened... Me getting my head straight, many priceless moments, some new people who has become my new friends... And so on... Lots have happened to me and I wouldn't change anything... So let's start, shall we...

I didn't really like my first weeks on the trip, the Netherlands, Geneva and Paris did go like every other day before that... I did see only bad things, I was very low. It was almost useless, when I know think those times... But it wasn't useless. What happened for me in those places, helped me to get my head straight. So it was very important time for me. I didn't enjoy things then, but there was also some good things happening... Two nine inch nails gigs, 65daysofstatic gig and meeting a few of my good friends. It was a shame for me that I did see that everybody who I did think to be a good friends with me, wasn't that all... But now it's not hurting me anymore.

I don't really have that many good/close friends, but in this matter, quality over quantity is important. And now i see that I'm so lucky to have these friends! Now it's more easier for me have friends, but these friends who did even wanted to be friends with me when I was so low and closed. I will never forget them. Maybe they and me can finally enjoy the company even more. These times are very exiting for me!

But now back to my trip again... so everything changed for me, when I did leave Netherlands, after this I have only enjoyed my trip. And highlights have been, visiting my friends in Czech republic, Istanbul and my visit to England. There I did meet so many good and nice people, I already can call these people my friends! Also i did meet one very dear friend of mine from Utrecht.

Nowadays I look to enjoy the people more... Other things aren't that important for me anymore. Of course the architecture, parks and seeing the countryside is still very important for me. But meeting new people and friends is most important thing for me now. I finally can enjoy the company. It's a great feeling!

So there has happened for weird things in this trip. I was thinking that these kinda things happen only in movies. But looks like reality is even more absurd that fiction.

1. The Italian lady taking me from streets of Geneva like I was gigolo. Hehe, that was funny for me even in that time, and now even more. But she was so nice lady. Glad that I did met her. And I know that she feels the same...

2. The hooker street at center of Geneva. Yes, it was like from Hollywood movie set. Hookers wearing only shiny things and yes, very, very little. But the pimps were the funniest... Wearing their lilac furs, hats, golden teeth and of course canes!!! That was something so funny!!! Now I know why UN likes the place, hehe...

3. Seeing horrible plastic surgery monster at some high fashion shop in vienna. When I did saw her, my contact lens did literally pop off from my right eye!!! No joke, people!!! That did really happen!!! But why people do that?!?!? Please people, embrace yourselves!!! The faults make you beautiful and unique!!!

4. I did and still have my first honest crush since high school. I usually don't have these but now I have... Feels funny... It tickles, hehe...

5. Partying till 10am in Bratislava. Well, it did end a bit too soon, because the noise. The girls neighbors and landlord didn't really like it that much... And in the same morning I did make one old man mad... It was interesting 24h for me...

6. Finding that gays really like me. I feel like gay sex symbol after visiting England and Istanbul... Lots of hitting going on. Well, to be honest, I feel very flattered, but enough attention is enough even for me... Well, I think there was the most weirdest moment yet on my trip. I'm sure that there will be more, I have a few more days left in England. So there will be something happening...

Places that I have liked most are Czech republic and Bratislava. They were something that I really liked. Beautiful places with beautiful and sweet ladies. Czech republics countryside was so beautiful... Everybody should see it. I could see me living there happily ever after... I think that I'm one the lucky ones, because even if I really haven't liked some places so much, still I have met on those places many nice and good people. These people has made my trip so great. There is still some left of my trip, but I'm already planning my next one!!! When you travel, you cannot lose anything. You can only win. That has happen to me.

Me, Myself & I

I have been thinking a lot who am I and how people see me. Now I finally know who I am, but will the others see the same qualities in me than me? This is the tricky question. Now I don't try to be anymore that I think people want me to be, I'm just plain, ordinary me and if people don't like it, well it's their loss then... I have learned so much in this trip of mine, I did finally find myself, I have met many great people, some I think will be a good friends of mine till end of times... And finally I can live my life in my own rules, not rules of others, like I did some long time. Also I'm not living in the past anymore, what has happened, has happened... You cannot change the past, but you can live your life like you want now. I finally are over of my past relationships. I finally see a bright future ahead of me. I see more beautiful and good things in the world than bad and ugly. I'm happy... And I feel free to be myself and don't really care tat much about what others think of me...

So how I see myself then? Which qualities I have? Good and bad ones? Well, let's start then...

Good Qualities:

1. I'm very caring and loving person to my love ones (generally to the people I care). This quality was something that I did feel ashamed about so long time. And now I think, why? It's the best quality of mine. It's the most important one!!! I feel like a fool, because I haven't shown this quality of mine often in the past... But now I cherish it...

2. I'm very polite person. I have been raised that way and it and I like that way. I like to be polite and I like to see other people to be polite too. Unfortunately people nowadays don't really cherish this quality, because our world is so hectic. There is no "time" so mind your own business!!! I hate that. But this is important quality of mine too... And now I'm happy, so its so easy to me...

3. I trust people. Trust is something very important. You can lose a camera because you trust people, but you get so much more in the return, friends and respect.

4. I have loads of patience. I really have patience to see things through. I will not give up. This can be a bit bad quality too, because maybe sometimes I don't know when to give up. But overall it's a good quality.

5. Self-confidence. Now I'm self-confident person. I know that I'm fairly handsome guy. I know that I'm good, caring and loving person (sometimes even funny!!!). And nowadays I actually like myself, it's a new feeling for me and I love it. And now I don't care much what other people are thinking of me. So all of this makes me feel very self-confident. And I think that real self-confidence comes from you loving yourself.

6. I'm a trustworthy person. If people say something to me, I won't go and blabber things around. This is about trust. I have done a few mistakes with this one over the years, unintentionally. And I feel ashamed about those times.

7. I usually think other people first (people I care about). If somebody wants to do something and it would make her/him happy. We will do it. I like to make other people happy. It's more important for me than doing things here in my way. Because usually others woudn't like it.

Neutral Qualities:

1. My strictness and honesty. They are good and bad qualities. I say things that I think, good and bad things. Those can really hurt somebody, and I've seen that happening many times. I don't always know when to say right things, because I try to be honest as possible. So maybe I'm a bit too strict and honest sometimes. I should see things more clearly, when you should say something nicer to person. But I value honesty, I want people t be honest with me, I won't get hurt about it, but many can. I should see this more often.

2. I'm very organized. Usually, a bit too much. Things has to be like I say or want, or I cannot concentrate and relax. This is bad thing for the people who wants to live with me. But this also means I can really get things done, when I start.

3. My humor. It's very rude sometimes and some people don't get the jokes, so it means they will get hurt. I want to get people laugh, not to sad. Usually, some people get it, and some don't, so there is laughing people and sad people. This is a shame, but who will get hurt, they have to remember that I make a lot of humor about myself... So usually, it's me who gets to be the fool...

Bad Qualities:

1. I can see many little things, but many times I cannot see the big, important things, even if they are right on front of me!!! I have just really thoroughly realize this, because I have hurt people badly like this, unintentionally. I should see the obvious also. Seeing the little things aren't enough!!!

2. I like to talk about myself. Well, you have obviously seen this already. But too much is too much... And I'm not talking about my blog. This blog is about me, so of course I talk about me there. But in real life also, too much, me, me & me. It's a bad quality.

3. I say what I believe or think. So people will now where I stand. And I like to talk about it, too much. usually I will notice this a bit too late and then I completely shut down, because I feel ashamed. Trying to learn to notice this thing more earlier... I hope that I will succeed on this one...

4. I like things to go my way. This is bad thing, because many times its like, my way or the highway. I should learn to do some compromising too. But in something I really don't even care. So it depends about the subject. That's a bit weird. This is more work related thing and when I don't know people that well. But with friends its a bit different like I already said.

5. I'm usually a bit boring. Like to be by myself and think things... So not very social person...

So there I said who I am. Do you see the same person? Or different one? Something missing? You can give some feedback when you talk to me...

My Ultimate Birthday Present!!! (And I Love It!!!)

So its my birthday and I'm in England. And I've said lots of bad things of England. Many are true still in my eyes. But I've finally realize that people makes the place. And now in here I've been very happy. I'm in Luton and people in England says that this place is horrible. Well, I don't see it. Only thing I can see is that, I have found so many great new friends from here. Everyone has been so helpful and nice towards me. They have really welcomed me to their lives. I really appreciate it a lot. They have their hearts in the right place. I feel very, very lucky. I'm just hoping that I can give something back to these people. I really hope I can, because they really deserve it. For me Luton is now nice place, where I have good friends. People really make the place. Everyone should remember this!!!

So for me England is now a superb place to be. Every country has something good and bad in it. But the people I've met here are fantastic bunch of characters!!! These really are best times of my short life!!!

And also same goes to Czech Republic!!! I love that place and the people. They also did give me so much. I really have met so nice people in my trip now that its really something so great!!! Its the ultimate birthday gift for me.

All this is possible for me now. Finally, I am myself front of the people. It means that people can finally see that I'm not acting to be somebody else. They finally can grab something on me. They see that I'm real. It makes things easier for everybody. And its so great. Good things happen to good people. I think karma does exist. If you trust people, you cannot lose anything. Well I did lose my camera, but its something small... What I've get its something so much more... You cannot buy it... You have to deserve it. And finally I think I deserve it!!!

Finally at 24 year of age, I've realize that its the people who count, not anything else. And company will find who are alike. That means I finally can joy my friends and me. Like I said, Its the ultimate birthday present for me. What else you really need? You need to be yourself, be there for your friends, like there are there for you!

In the past I did see only the bad things in everything... I still see the bad things. But now I don't care anymore about that, because finally I can see the good things too. And there really is so much goodness and love in the world if you just open your eyes to see that. Then you really don't anymore care about these bad things... And why you even should? Good things in your life makes you happy. And when you are happy, you have something special. You really cannot buy it, now I finally understand that.

So I thank you all my friends so very much!!! I'm looking forward to enjoy you, finally!!! Never take your friends for granted!!!

I think this was all for now... I think you can see my change in this blog... I think writing these things has helped to me realize things... Thank you... Feedback has been very important for me... But still my humor will be very rude and offensive to lots of people... I'm sorry about that, but people has to understand its just humor, nothing more...

02.08.09 - Nine Inch Nails, Sonisphere Knebworth Setlist

1. The Way Out is Through
2. Wish
3. I Do Not Want This
4. Something I Can Never Have
5. Gone, Still
6. The Frail
7. The Wretched
8. Non-Entity
9. Lights In The Sky
10. The Downward Spiral
11. Hurt

Very nice, quiet and sad setlist. Almost perfect setlist for the last European gig. It made me very sad and happy in the same time. Unfortunately it was very, very short one. But you cannot get all... I'm happy that I did see this gig, very happy indeed...

Lyrics Of The Day : NIN - Closer

you let me violate you. you let me desecrate you
you let me penetrate you. you let me complicate you
help me i broke apart my insides. help me i've got no soul to sell
help me the only thing that works for me. help me get away from myself

i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to feel you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

you can have my isolation. you can have the hate that it brings
you can have my absence of faith. you can have my everything
help me you tear down my reason. help me it's your sex i can smell
help me you make me perfect. help me become somebody else

i want to fuck you like an animal
i want to feel you from the inside
i want to fuck you like an animal
my whole existence is flawed
you get me closer to god

through every forest, above the trees
within my stomach. scraped off my knees
i drink the honey inside your hive
you are the reason i stay alive

'R', this is kind of something that you "ordered", when you said to me, you know what... hehehehehe!!! But there is also deeper meaning hidden in the lyrics, everybody can try find it by themselves...

Lyrics Of The Day : NIN - Only

I'm becoming less defined as days go by
Fading away
And well you might say
I'm losing focus
Kinda drifting into the abstract in terms of how I see myself

Sometimes I think I can see right through myself
Sometimes I can see right through myself

Less concerned about fitting into the world
Your world that is
Cause it doesn't really matter anymore
(no it doesn't really matter anymore)
No it doesn't really matter anymore
None of this really matters anymore

Yes I am alone but then again I always was
As far back as I can tell
I think maybe it's because
Because you were never really real to begin with
I just made you up to hurt myself

I just made you up to hurt myself, yeah
And I just made you up to hurt myself

And it worked.
Yes it did!

There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me

Only

Well the tiniest little dot caught my eye and it turned out to be a scab
And I had this funny feeling like I just knew it's something bad
I just couldn't leave it alone, I kept picking at the scab
It was a doorway trying to seal itself shut
But I climbed through

Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be, and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside

There is no you
There is only me
There is no you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me
There is no fucking you
There is only me

Only

So these lyrics again says something about realizing what you have become... Finding real you is essential...

Something About The People and Religions, Part One

So, somebody did say that my blog looks like it have been made 14 year old boy... Only sex and women. Well, maybe its true then... But its just fun to write about those things... hehe... But about those things I already have write everything so I think there will be lot less writings about those things in the future... And now I will write something about human mentality and all that stuff... Here we go!!!

I was in Czech Republic at my friends place in small town called Svatoborice. It was really the best time of my life. I've haven't been this happy, I think ever. It was nice to talk with somebody who wants to understand that I have been through and were I am now. It was liberating. She also want to analyze things through like me. So it was nice to chat about hard things. At the same time I think we really came a really close friends. It is for me very important. It makes me so very happy!

I believe that people don't really change. Your core have some good and some bad characteristics. These characteristics are you. People really cannot change, they are what they are in the end. But many people don't listen their core and they think to be something that they aren't. That is what happened to me. I think that makes some people very depressed. They are scared to be themselves. They are acting to be something that they really aren't. I finally know who I am and I finally can show this real me to the people. It is liberating, it makes me happy. And like my friends sister said : I cannot believe that "Zannn" don't have girlfriend!!! I feel that said a lot how far I have become... Before nobody wouldn't really said that, and it makes me feel warm and fuzzy, hehe...

In the same we can link the self-hatred, what is the main thing that makes people depressed. When you are depressed you really hate yourself. And then you are starting to spread this hatred to the others. You think how anybody can love you, because even you aren't loving yourself. That's why you start change yourself to something else that you aren't. Maybe then somebody would love you. But it's true, if you don't love yourself, nobody cannot really love you. Because they don't really know who you are. When you are real you and you really love yourself, then people really can love you and people WILL love you. You just really need to be YOU and not acting to be somebody else.

I have already seen the change in people attitude towards me. People are more open to me now, because they see I'm real me, not trying to act anything. So people now trust me, it feels good. People tend to see when you are acting and when you aren't. My advise to people is just be yourself and everything will be fine in the end. Everybody has their good and bad qualities... You cannot change them, so just embrace them. Nobody is perfect. I can say that more people will like you than hate you. And in the end, people tend to be more good than bad, if they listen their core.

Then the next topic... I have seen that people don't nowadays have the power to see things through. If something is hard, you quit and find a new thing. Here is good example, divorce rates, they are so high and getting even more higher. And now I think that part reason for this is that people aren't so religious. I think that religion is one weird way to listen to your core and many people need that religion to do that. I see this in my friends home, her family is very Catholic and you really could see that there. And actually I think it not a bad thing at all. Religion usually gives the strength people to look things through. If relationship has problems, they have usually that strength to try to fix problems and usually it works. Its something that non-religious people don't usually have and they give up. Which is so shame, because people tend to forget that in the broken families usually grow more broken children.

The religion is a vessel to hear yourself, your core, but religious people think they hear or feel God when they really hear or feel themselves. I'm not talking now about Islam, Scientology, "Talking Snake" Christians or these closed communities, they are just lunies... But it's a shame that many Atheists and Agnostics don't listen their core and don't even try to find their inner power. Well I could be wrong, probably I am, but this is how I think about this.

And I still think that religion institutes are kind of useless. People just need to listen their core, be honest to themselves and love themselves. You don't need to religion to do it. But looks like some need religion to do that. That is why nowadays I think some religions has also some good sides too...

Lyrics Of The Day : Gojira - Vacuity

The sickness of this world is destroying all the dreams
The fools are kings, tearing apart the soul
The race for complication communicate reaction
The lack of heart of men, I grow distant from the core

Borrow this body for a lifetime, earthly material
My soul unraveled out of mental
The shell returns to dust

I focus on the present concentrate on what I find
Accelerate the vision high beyond the curse of time
Bring light to my attention, the walls of vacuum fall
This force increases and tells me where to go

Follow, I enter my dimensions, awakened heart of life
Enforce my senses, I'm understanding
I find the will to live straight

I feel the change I see the vicious circle
finally turned into a virtuous one
Having the whole world in my hands, filled
Timelessness

Out of the frame I feel so vast I'm all around myself
Imaginative interaction
But I keep struggling inside to hold this always
Forever there

Is it the fear to fall in space that keeps us from understanding
The only way to find the power is to look inside
Increase your fall on purpose and let this river flow
Now you hold this secret appeared out of the vacuum of space

Remain in what you are, the center of your life
You made it to this point no one can tell you how
You crawled and bled all the way but you were the only one
That was tearing your soul apart, you finally find yourself

These lyrics are very nice ones and actually tells kinda what to do to get yourself out and free again... There is many parts that really are like from my life. And I did finally find myself!

About Women, Part Three

So let's keep on with this subject, because it's so fun. Now I have seen again much of different countries and women. Which women has been best yet? Well, I really think women (not younger girls) in Paris. They were the first ones who really did show their appreciation towards me, when I did something nice for them, like giving road to them or open door to them. I really, really like that. It shows the class what they have in there. I haven't get it anywhere else on that amount. I didn't really like Paris that much, but this was something that I liked so much that, now I think its a pretty good place (only first 4 districts). Why women in other places aren't like this?

Which country has the most beautiful women? Easy to answer, Slovakia (probably Czech Republic too, but that I will see soon). If to my eye about 40% of the women is stunningly beautiful ones, you really can get better than that, and I'm a very picky one as you know. Which women have been least classy and beautiful? English ones all the way (with Americans). I really think it will be a shock for me in England. They are so not my type. But England is heaven for guys who just want to be hammered and fuck everything that moves. Well I don't know how I will find the upper class ones, but middle and lower class ones are horrible. Of course, there is always some exceptions, but not many.

It's weird, all the places where I have been now, usually if women are nice and beautiful, guys are rude, ugly and very pushy... Like here in Slovakia, guys are horrible and nasty. French guys are also nasty, but usually handsome. I just cannot understand how this can be? These women deserve so much better and in the deep down I think that they know it, I hope that they do.

Last night in the nightclub was something so unbelievable for me that I'm almost speechless... I really didn't belong there. Guys were very drunk, very hands-on and didn't take no for the answer. It was sad to watch and they also like to fight a lot. I was always cock-blocked immediately. Also on that nightclub there was maybe 65% guys and only 35% women, well usually girls, I think some were only 15yo or something... And 40yo+ guys were fucking them. I actually feel a bit sad about it. Not classy at all and that should be the classy place here!!! I don't even want to know what kinda places are the least classy ones...

And England is still coming... Starting to feel scared!!!

About My Sex Life... (I Know This Is Stupid)

Okay, this will be awkward. So now my head is again sober and can see things clearly. This means that I have been seeing things that I haven't seen in the long time. And because now I know who I really am and I like the guy how is looking me from the mirror. I have seen myself doing ugly stuff at the past, what I couldn't do anymore. I have really high morale and a long time I did ignored it. That make me depressed and hate myself. Well, it was one of the million reasons, but still... And yes, I'm talking about one night stands.

I actually think (but not sure...) that many of my friends still think that I'm a virgin (well, 8 years ago was still was...), because I usually don't brag that I did have sex. Usually only thing that I say is, if somebody ask of me, I just say ""maybe". And yes, I have had my fair share of one night stands and usually my ex-girlfriends also had sex with me (and sometimes even with everyone else too...)

What I'm then talking about my high morale? Well, there is one thing that I'm not proud of. It is that my one night stand girls has usually been drunk. And that is something that my morale don't like. Weird isn't it? I really think that its wrong to go and have sex with somebody who is drunk and maybe don't even remember everything in the morning. I think, it's just wrong. I think its something doing how I was raised. I maybe respect women too much. Now well, that automatically means that now having sex is not that easy for me, there is a lots of challenge for me to get one night stand. But I will take the hard road, because I like to be myself again and doing things like my morale tells me to do. This is not optimal situation for a sex-addict, but well, who said life should be easy?

It's funny, because I'm now again myself, I'm very easy to read. So guys usually cock-block me instantly and girls in the clubs really don't appreciate my qualities. But there is always some girls who notice my qualities and like them a lot, and usually they are already married, hehe, just my luck. Like here in Bratislava that happened. But I think that they just see me like friend like person, not somebody who they would want to have sex or relationship. Well, when I was miserable, having sex was easy and now when I'm happy, its hard. Its just so weird.

But this all mean that I'm again looking a relationship. Now I'm myself again, so maybe I actually get lucky this time and find somebody who actually appreciate my qualities. There must be somebody like that in the world? Hopefully many, because I there's only one, she would be pretty hard to find... But well also my standards are high, so it might take a while. But one thing is sure, her nationality isn't English, German, Spanish, Belgian or Italian. That would be very unlikely. Girls in those countries are usually just too far away from my standards. But never say, never... And I didn't but Finnish girls in the list... Weird isn't it? after all this time...

And I haven't still get it, why I attract more older ladies (30yo+) and very young girls (13-17yo), but not much ladies at 20 to 29? Cannot understand... Yes, I look maybe 5 to 7 years younger than I am, but still... This is something I want to know. Is it my personality/qualities that older ladies like? And is my facial features that attract these teens? I really want the answers... And I'm not interested young girls... But older ladies are different thing... 20 to 45 goes for me... And please don't be moralizing me about this...

Well, for me this all means hard times, being a sex-addict and not having sex regularly. Oh well, I always have my right hand to easy my situation, hehe...

The Line Begins To Blur

Now these lyrics have so big meaning for me... When you are addicted to self-hatred, it's so nice to really realize things how they really are...

There are things that I said I would never do
There are fears that I cannot believe have come true
For my soul is too sick and too little and too late
And myself I have grown too weary to hate

The more I stay in here
The more it's not so clear
The more I stay in here
The more I disappear
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur

Is somebody on top of me?
I don't know, I don't know
Isn't anyone stopping me?
I don't know, I don't know
Well I'm trying to hold my breath
I don't know, I don't know
Just how far down can I go?
I don't know, I don't know
I don't know

As I lie here and stare
The fabric starts to tear
It's far beyond repair
And I don't really care
As far as I have gone
I knew what side I'm on
But now I'm not so sure
The line begins to blur

About myself & my doings, Part One (yes, I'm sure there will be more parts on this...)

Don't ever write things, when you are emotionally wreck!!! Because you will realize that what you write then, is not true. And you tend to hurt people you love, because you hate yourself...

Last week was hard for me. I did do and say things to people that I shouldn't had. I was maybe first time in my life really into the bottom. But in Saturday, something happened. I did see real myself in first time in a long, long time. Like many of you have noticed, I have been downward spiraling ages. The life I had have, could turn good man bad. And I was thinking that is happening to me too now. I was horrible to the people I love and I was doing that because I was thinking that I'm changing to a mean person, cold person... Like I was meant to do that. And I really don't remember when I was last time happy...

But like I said, Saturday did make me realize that I'm not changing anywhere, I was only thinking that. I am what I am and today I did look to the mirror and said to myself, I love you. It was first time in my life when I really did mean that. And it feel good. It made me happier person. It just so funny, that you have to do something horrible to someone else before you realize what you really are. And what you have done.

So who then I really am? Well, I'm a good person. I was starting to think that I'm a bad person and act like it. But really I am a good person, and this person is what you all will see now one... I'm kind, loving, unselfish, I usually think other people first and trusting. But also I'm very hard headed and a bit of an idiot sometimes, rude too, with my honesty. I'm also a lone wolf and shy. That is who I am. So not that bad person, as you all will see in the future.

When you are good at manipulate other persons, like me, there is a lot of dangerous things happening. Should I do that or not? and so on. But if you dwell of things too much, then there is a problem, you start to manipulate yourself. And that will make you lose your perspective on things. that did happen to me and badly.

Finally, I feel happy, I'm myself. Hatred of myself was keeping me away from happiness and of my real self, while I was hurting people I love. Now It's over. I'm free.

Next time I'm online in next Monday. I'm excited to see how this happiness will affect me!!!

And Finally, I'm very sorry and I apologize any wrong doings in my past. But I promise to make up those doings in the future. And all you will see that I will. I cannot take back what I've had done, but I can be better in the future!!!

Geneva

So first of all I almost miss my flight. I was going to the airport by train and the last stop before the airport train stopped and they said its not going to go anywhere anymore. The buses were full and with those I would be late... So taxi it was, 35€ went there, but I just made it... Only minutes were left... It made me a bit scared. But in the end everything was fine.

In Geneva, hostel was fine, but full of 45yo+ people. So not that much fun for me. The city itself were very expensive, didn't buy anything from there. I was just walking in the amazing parks and taking photos. Also then I was keeping company for very beautiful, about 40yo, divorced Italian lady. Who actually was a professional dancer. I yes, you can see it. And she did pay all the drinks, which was very kind of her. And yes, there was my two days in Geneva. But I had fun time there. It was very surreal, almost like from the movie, what happened for me there, but looks like it that in the real life there happens weird things. And the lake is so beautiful and very clean.

There is a lot this society people there. Maybe about 50% of the tourists were rich people, with their yachts and nice cars. Lots of those Americans too. I really didn't fit in on with those people, unfortunately... Because it would be nice to have some rich friends...

Also I did see first time in my life the stereotypical Hollywood movie hooker street with the pimps and all. It was strange and somewhat funny. And in Geneva!!!

I think that's all about Geneva. I recommend to visit this beautiful city and have fun!!!

08.07.09 - Nine Inch Nails, Amsterdam Setlist

1. Home
2. 1,000,000
3. Letting You
4. Sin
5. March of the Pigs
6. Piggy (Nothing Can Stop Me Now)
7. Metal
8. The Line Begins To Blur
9. Head Down
10. Burn
11. Gave Up
12. La Mer
13. The Frail
14. The Wretched
15. Non-Entity
16. I Do Not Want This
17. The Downward Spiral
18. Wish
19. Survivalism
20. Mr. Self Destruct
21. Echoplex
22. Suck
23. The Hand That Feeds
24. Head Like A Hole
25. Hurt
26. In This Twilight

It was very, very emotional show for me, because everything what happened between these two shows. It really helped to get some of my steams out. The setlist was perfect for me. Almost every songs lyrics tells the story of my emotions and thoughts right now. Nothing can top this experience, it was perfect for me. Particularly lyrics of 1.000.000, Sin, Piggy, The Line Begins To Blur, Burn, Gave Up, I Do Not Want This & Mr. Self Destruct have something to say of my condition right now... And "In This Twilight" is a perfect closing song, absolutely one the most beautiful songs ever made.

07.07.09 - Nine Inch Nails, Paris Setlist

1. Somewhat Damaged
2. Terrible Lie
3. Heresy
4. March of the Pigs
5. Reptile
6. The Becoming
7. I'm Afraid of Americans
8. Burn
9. Gave Up
10. La Mer
11. The Fragile
12. Non-Entity
13. Gone, Still
14. The Way Out is Through
15. Wish
16. Survivalism
17. Physical (You're So)
18. The Day the World Went Away
19. Hurt
20. The Hand That Feeds
21. Head Like A Hole

It was awesome gig and the crowd was insane. Song "Survivalism" have now really a new meaning for me...

A Few Things About The Netherlands

First of all I have to say, that I'm a very lucky person. Because I have many Dutch friends. Actually, I was one of few International Students who have real Dutch friends. That is because usually in the minors they have only few Dutch students there and the parties and stuff is usually only for International Students. So its hard to bond with native people then. But like I said for me it was different and it was because of the minor. And that is why I'm now here again, seeing friends in this beautiful city of Utrecht.

One nice thing that you see in here is the ladies. Yes, they are very, very beautiful ones. They are long, lean and very curvy. It's kinda weird how some countries has lots of beautiful women and some has a very few. And this makes things interesting here. Even regular looking guys has here a beautiful girlfriends. Something what we in Finland never see. In here things are better on that way. And here girls are nice, you really can go and chat with them and they will respond nicely to you, they are fun and down to earth kinda girls. Me like!!! But only downsize is that, when they turn about 35-40 years old, their looks will go down quickly... But I think its because the climate... It happens for guys too in here...

The other one is the reckless immigration policy can hurt a country. Things are bad in here, but nobody cannot say anything about it in public, but when you are talking to the Dutch people, you will notice that they are very full of it... Unfortunately now same will happen to Finland too and its a shame. In here the people cannot do anything for it anymore, its too far gone already. But in Finland, we could if we want to. But about this subject I will write a much longer post at some point. I really need to see other countries too, if I want to give a full valid opinion of it.

And the last one is raising EU criticism, which I think is a very good thing. I really despise it, there really isn't nothing good about it. And here people are noticed that. So maybe there is still a hope that EU will crash down. I hope so... We will see... And about that I also will post a longer article at some point. When I have more time...

About Women, Part Two

So I have been getting some feedback about my first real post on my blog... Some has agreed and some disagreed of my point of view... And that's fair, I might be wrong, but I did wrote about things how I have experienced and seen those things. Here are a few points what disagreeing people has come up to.

1. I generalize things too much.
- That is true. I do that and I know it. It is my style to write, but when you look the deeper meaning of the writings, you see things in the real light and they usually are true, for me at least. And I write of my experiences. It's the way I see things right now...

2. Usually nice guys fall for the mean girls.
- I disagree. I myself have tried relationships with many types of girls. And the outcome has been always the same, relationship has broke up.

3. A nice girls tends to miss out the nice guys.
- I disagree. I myself and many of my friends try to find a nice girls, many have find them and some of those relationships even have been flourishing till this day and I'm pretty sure they will keep flourishing a long time into the future. But not for me. Like I answered on last question. I have been with nice girls too, and no success for me with them either.

4. At some point girls are looking for serious relationships then they will fall for the nice guys.
- I disagree. Not true at all, just look divorce rates... And many times those guys are the nice ones and girls are bored and cannot maintain the happy couple coulisse anymore. Like Baumeister said, that only less than 40% of males reproduce (for the women, reproduce rate is about 80%), so I think sometimes the dad of the babies aren't even the nice guy... And of course there is a lot divorces for the bad guys too... But I hope you all get my point on this matter...

So now I probably did make even more people angry with these comments... But I'm a realist, I can handle it.

And The Gigs

7.7. - Nine Inch Nails - Le Zenith, Paris, France
8.7. - Nine Inch Nails - Heineken Music Hall, Amsterdam, The Netherlands
10.7. - 65daysofstatic - Tivoli De Helling, Utrecht, The Netherlands

16.-19.7 - Dour Festival, Belgium
(MSTRKRFT, Amenra, Isis, Meshuggah, Killing Joke, The Dillinger Escape Plan, Does It Offend You , Yeah?, The Sedan Vault, Starving, Dropkick Murphys, All Shall Perish, 65daysofstatic, Gojira, Aphex Twin, Venetian Snares, Crystal Castles, Rolo Tomassi, Bob Log III, Madensuyu)

1. & 2.8. - Sonisphere Knebworth, England
(Nine Inch Nails, Mastodon, Killing Joke, Rolo Tomassi, Metallica)

The Trip Schedule

So here it is...

(27th of June - 2nd of July) - Utrecht, The Netherlands
(3rd & 4th of July) - Geneva, Switzerland
(5th - 7th of July) - Paris, France
(8th of July) - Amsterdam, The Netherlands
(9th - 13rd of July) - Utrecht, The Netherlands
(14th & 15th of July) - Brussels, Belgium
(16th - 19th of July) - Dour Festival, Belgium
(20th of July) - Brussels, Belgium
(21st - 24th of July) - Bratislava, Slovakia
(25th - 28th of July) - Some small town in South Czech Republic
(29th & 30th of July) - Vienna, Austria
(31st of July) - London, England
(1st & 2nd of August) - Sonisphere Knebworth, England
(3rd - 5th of August) - London, England
(6th - 9th of August) - Istanbul, Turkey
(10th & 11th of August) - London, England...

And then back to Finland...

The Trip has started!!! (So here's some first impressions...)

Now trip has started and I'm in Utrecht. I came here yesterday. It was long 8 hour travel from Tampere to Utrecht and I'm still a bit tired, but happy. It feels like nothing has really changed. I feel welcomed and people seem to be happy able to see me, as I am happy able to see them. It's a great feeling.

But something has changed and now I know what it is. A few things are missing and they are a couple very important friends of mine. They were also International Students here at my time. Now I can see that they were crucial thing to my experience in here. In good and in bad (yes, a bit of that too). Don't get me wrong here. I really, really love this place and its so nice to be back here, but the feeling is a bit different, like something is missing...

It's kinda funny to have this feeling. But now I really understand what kind of influence these people had on me. They did make my change possible and I have to thank them for that. Even if some things still pains me a lot. I did my decisions and unfortunately they were the wrong ones. I have seen this awhile now...

Yesterday I was at my friends house eating a dinner and drinking beer. It was my happiest day in awhile. Yes, maybe some of you already know that I really didn't like my job in Finland and well, usually I didn't like my life there either. Of course there was good days, but there was also a lot bad days. And I really don't have lots of friends in Finland. There is many familiar people, but only a few friends. Here it feels quite opposite and I like it a lot.

Utrecht also has now nice sales -30% up to -70%, so somebody is doing some cloth shopping tomorrow. And of course, this Dutch weather is something... Sun, rain, thunder, cloudy, sun, etc... And all in one day! It's different...

I think here is all for now... And I will put my trip schedule here soon... Probably this evening...

Nice Guys & Women (Let's Start Out With A Bang!!!)

Lately I've been reading a lots of stuff about nice guys and women. And how women almost always fancies more the douche bags (or if I put it more nicely, bad boys). And of course this is true, even if women don't want to admit it.

I, myself am a very nice guy when I'm in the relationship. Some my friends can argue about am I a nice person, but in the relationship I am. Any of my past relationships haven't last even an half of year. The famous line is always coming for me and it is "You are so nice and lovely, but...". If I remember correctly I've heard that line from last three of my ex-girlfriends. Nowadays its a pretty comical for me, but what you can do? Change? Maybe I should...

When you are a nice and fairly good looking guy it also attracts quite mean women. That kinda woman wants to manipulate and control this nice guy. They don't want a long relationship, they just want to destroy this nice guy mentally doing all the sh**** stuff. all this only for to get their low self-esteem up and someone else's self-esteem down. And yes this kinda women exists, unfortunately I know. Hehe, and yes, I said that I'm fairly good looking guy.

I'm talking about relationships now. One night stands are completely different subject. They are a fairly easy to execute. One of three "hunting" nights are successful even for a nice guy if you know what you are doing. Of course, if you are a bad boy, then its even more easier. But like I already said different subject. Relationships are the tricky ones.

So why nice guys have so hard time? Well, nice ones are always a bit boring I guess. There is no excitement or danger, guy isn't even yelling and not even arguing (usually)... Like me, I have always been open, no secrets, no grilling... Where are you going? When you are coming back? What you did you do? I never ask those questions... I only ask, did you have fun? Have to say that, it has always backfired. Nice guys are always good friends, but boring lovers. Nice guys have lots of friends, I mean girl ones. But they usually are only friends, not lovers.

Nice guys aren't alfa-males and that is really what women want. This is a good example that show us, we are animals, mammals, apes. This primeval instinct tells women that alfa-males have better sperm that these nice guys. These bad boys shows that they are brave and strong (usually they even aren't those things, but they "show" that they are...). Just what people want their children to be. This is a fact, why else dopey rock stars and film stars are so popular? Same you can see all-over the places, schools, bars etc... You cannot trust them, they will treat you like c***, but still you will love them more that these trusted nice guys.

Nice guys devotes his life to the girl. The girl feels special awhile but there is no challenge for the girl. The girl gets bored. The girl finds a guy who is screwing around and do not show much devotion towards her. The girl has to have that guy, because there is a challenge for her and other girls wants him too. Now the girls says goodbye for the nice guy...

And I even didn't write anything about money. That is because it will completely put things around. It's another story.

The New Beginning

Okey... So let's do the take two now. Last time I did try to keep a blog... Well it wasn't success. Writing can be hard when you we're having fun as an Erasmus student. But this time I will keep writing stuff, maybe once a week and I will write about things that feels interesting to me. So the blog posts will be usually weird but true... First one will be here tonight... Maybe...