Friends... Close Friends... Or Not?

I have pretty good amount of friends around a globe, but I have noticed that I have only a few close friends who really enjoy my company and really want to interact with me. Noticing something like this really a bummer. It actually hurts. Then I start thinking that why? It must be me, I cannot blame anyone else for this. And still I haven't fully figured this out, but I have a few things on my mind...

The first would be that I did push people away when I was depressed. Interact with me then was not easy, because I never showed "real me" for them and I was like a brick, no emotions at all. And my shyness coming along with my trust issues... Can I blame anyone for that? No I cannot...

The second would be that I am actually pretty boring person and there hardly is any excitement moments with me. And of course, people try to find friends that are not so boring...

The third thing would be my jokes and my opinions. Both are usually pretty offensive and harsh for many. And I have no ability to debate, so I don't do it, because if I would start debate with somebody of my opinions that somebody would get hurt someway or another. I am very aggressive and bad debater and I know it, so I don't want to debate. But sometimes I have to and people get hurt. But I always say that I don't want to, but sometimes people don't listen... I usually respect others opinions, but some just do not understand that you cannot convert me. And I should understand that sometimes I cannot convert others either... And about my jokes, sometimes they are funny and sometimes they aren't. People should understand that jokes are just jokes... Nothing more...

And the fourth thing would be my over-pushing nature. I might be a bit too enthusiastic and too pushy for some people. Because I actually care and want to bond with people. And sometimes (read, almost always) go overboard with that. So for some that can be even offensive. But also I should understand that enough is enough... But sometimes it's just too hard for me to understand...

So how I did noticed my lack of close friends? Actually I have known it a long time now, but I really did think things would change when I changed... But it didn't... And also I did noticed that a few who I did think to be my close friends, wasn't really that close. I wanted them to be and I close my eyes from the reality.... Some I did mess up by myself, some I don't know. But truth is that it hurts and noticing these so late is my fault... nobody else's...

I have been called irritating, stupid, close-minded, afraid to try new things and so on. I think I'm not, but truth can differ... I really don't know anymore... But when I look how many of my friends actually contact me and not the other way... Truth unfolds and it ain't pretty. When there is only really an handful of people, you just have to look at the mirror... And also it's almost impossible to repair what is already broken. Now I can see that too...

I have over 80 friends on Facebook. And over 50 of them, I don't know them and I'm pretty sure that they don't know me either. So I have been thinking to delete them and I now I have decided to do that. I don't want to participate on the popularity contest. I cannot see the point.

But overall I'm happy that I have even these very few close friends in my life, and I'm a very, very grateful for them. They keep me loving myself... And things could be so much worse too... Somehow I also feel like a lucky one...

But the real conclusion is that I need to start again in some new place. I need the clean table where I can build my life without the ghosts from my past... Because now they are always there and I cannot get rid of them, not in here. I have start over already two times... Both failed, because I wasn't ready, but now I am and let's just hope that third time will be a charm...

It's hard to keep yourself happy and not depressed when you realize these kinda things, but somehow I have kept myself happy... Thank god for that...